Posted by Little Liberty (209.226.186.8) on January 12, 2001 at 11:57:46:
My husbands best friend who also suffers from these horrible things took his own life.
Thursday morning after suffering for 11 hours straight and taking Imetrex, stadol and erogmartian then finally going to the ER for morphine he still found no relief. When they got home at about 6:00pm last night he told his wife he was going to go "kick the bag" in the barn. He had a sand bag that he used to work out on for kick boxing hung in the barn. She went to bed at 10:00pm and could still see him hitting the bag in the barn. 5:00am this morning she found him.
My husband is a mess and has been dealing with his friends family all morning. They don't understand. They just don't get it. Nothing could possibly be that bad, they all say. How do you make these people understand what hell this is for these poor souls? How do you convey the agony and futility that they endure day after day for months or years at a time with no relief. Even those that witness these things can still not see the truth of what they go through. His wife didn't.
His wife had refused to allow him to use the shrooms. She was even invited over to see them work on my husband and even so, threatened her husband that she would leave if he considered using illegal drugs! We pleaded with him and begged him to just take them and not tell her. He considered that lying and refused. He thought he could convince her. My husband and I even considered slipping it to him somehow without his knowledge. We considered telling him to leave her. We considered too much and acted too little.
My husband and I know that when he went out to the barn he had no intention of taking his life. He was desperate. You could see from the marks on the floor how long he had hit the bag, the pacing in dirt at the other end of the barn where he had walked and walked, the twelve spots in the wall where he had put his fists through the barn wall and the bloodied fists, swollen knuckles and wrists. We know he was at the end and desperate. With no other recourse he did what we know, at one time or another every Clusterhead considers. He took the gun, placed the barrel against his right eye and pulled the trigger. I know and my husband knows, this was aimed at the pain. The agony of that side of his head, directly behind his eye. We both understand this desperate move. We are in agony to lose him but there is no way in our hearts or minds that we can fault him for anything. Except not trying the shrooms. We know we cannot blame ourselves, except that we didn't push him. Except for not kicking the shit out of his wife and a million other exceptions we will live with now for the rest of our lives.
There has to be a way of getting this out to world. There has to be a way of making people understand what hell this is and what it can do to perfectly normal, sane people and their families.
I am sorry for going on and on, but I am at a loss right now for what to think or feel and my only real emotion at the moment is driving me to want to stand on a mountain and scream this to the world, "I will not allow one more soul to die! I will not allow one more moment of agony for anyone who suffers from this hell! I will go to jail, I will be dragged through the courts, I will loose my house, my name, anything and everything it takes to make this understood! SHROOMS WORK! If your scared to take them, scared to buy them, just plain scared, then think only of how scared your loved ones will be to go on without you. To live with the memory, agony, desperation of not being able to help you, to loosing you. A life without you."
I was buying the dried shrooms from a very trusted source and mailing them to those that need them. I cannot afford to do that anymore, but I will begin to grow my own and send them out to anyone that is willing to try this treatment. I will not accept money as I do not want to be "dealing" I will only accept your promise to post your results and tell the world of the reality of this treatment. Pay me by telling others.
I DARE the cops, the government, anyone to come and arrest me. I will make more noise and create more hell for authorities then they can imagine! I DARE them, find me, stop me! If it takes doing this to get the recognition that this is a viable and legitimate treatment then so be it.
If this is what it takes to save one soul, one family from dealing with this hell, one person from becoming as desperate as our dear friend,....
IN LOVING MEMORY AND DEEPEST SORROW FOR NOT HAVING HELPED YOU AS WE SHOULD HAVE.
NATHAN B.
1964 -2001