Posted by Carl D (208.4.16.214) on September 09, 1999 at 15:57:29:
Hello All,
Still doing the Methylcobalamin, Melatonin and pure focus supplements along with Depakote and Verapamil, but so far I am just riding a rollercoaster. One day I might get 1 to 3 CH's, but the next I might get 12. Yesterday and last night was no exception. Not an ounce of sleep and 3 hardcore 10's all the way. Was supposed to go to the Social Security office this morning - but was in no shape to drive. Still shadowing pretty hard - neck is aching, etc.
I have gone into my 19th month. I can't believe it neither. I have gone over a year and a half STRAIGHT with these things, and after crawling into a corner and going fetal for a couple of days, I have come to a drastic conclusion - this sucks!!!
Okay, not everyone can relate to this, but I do know there are a few of us sufferers who have also dealt with another demon - one that feeds off of your heart and soul - depression. I'm sure there are some sufferers who get mildly depressed during an episodic cycle, some may even reach chronic after the comedown of an attack. Some have had thier lives totally ripped apart by CH's. Some have lost love,fortune and thier comfort zones due to the CH - which can lead to depression. Then there are those who become Chronic and suffer from manic depression. I am one of those. When this cycle first started - I tried to be a brave little soldier and tough it out - did it before - I can do it again right? I never expected to have my life stripped from me over a period of 19 months. That can devastate some people. For me, the pain alone has driven me half mental, but also into a darker hole.
When you are depressed - there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel has become a time capsule of sorts and youre stuck inside, with no desire to get out. Even as it fills up with water, you'd just as soon drown. I have felt like this - not caring. I have been ravaged, devastated - and for some reason, put my mind on a positive thinking track to try and change it. Has it worked? I can hope - but inside... can I lie to myself?
Then there is that taboo word "Suicide". We shouldn't talk about it, after all - it is forbidden. You would have to be crazy to think these kinds of things. To me, talking with others about suicide is like a parent talking to thier kids about drugs -- If you don't talk about it, there may be dire consequences. They may wind up on drugs - or they may wind up dead. If you talk it out - sort out your feelings, it may help. You may realize you need more help than your confidant can give you. You may need someone to help you to get help. If you are like me, you will hide for fear of ridicule, shame or to cover up future plans.
Not everyone who suffers from CH can relate to manic depression - where your on top of the world one minute - the next - youre a piece of gum on someones shoe. Also, not everyone who suffers from manic depression can relate to any other illness. Yes, depression is an ILLNESS that can accompany other conditions, especially for those who are alone and suffering. Welcome friends, you are not alone.
I am saying all of this because of this pain I have in my chest. I felt it a couple of times before, when my mother died and when I lost my one true love. It is a crushing type of pain. A heart-ache. In one week - my life has changed forever. One friend confided to me that he had felt like taking his life, and yet another friend succeeded. I received this disturbing news from a friend yesterday.
Michael Rodgers, 29 - died monday from a single self inflicted gunshot wound to the head. He left a brief note saying why he did it, but noone really knows for sure why he did it. I'm not so sure he even fully realized why he did it. Mike was manic depressive. He was my friend for 14+ years. We talked about everything - except suicide. Last time it came up in a conversation, I refused to talk about it, as I was contemplating taking my own life due to the decline of my world due to clusters. Now I want to call him up and I can't. What is my point?
Clusters themselves cannot kill you (so I'm told), but they can cause depression and in some cases - lead someone into that dark tunnel where they decide that life is not worth living and so they destroy themselves, either slowly with a bottle or quickly with a bullet. If it gets too hard for you to go on, please get help. Council with a friend, a relative - or if the situation is grave - get immediate medical help. Sometimes depression is caused by another condition such as CH, but often times it can be due to chemical imbalances in the brain. Now, they can't cure clusters yet, but they can control depression. I have sought after counseling and could not afford to go, so I have done the only thing I could, I prayed. I'm not saying that is a Cure-all, but when you have nothing else...
Carl D
In memory of Michael Rodgers 1970-1999 - I'll miss you bud.