Posted by susieQ (209.142.171.229) on March 27, 2001 at 16:43:17:
A letter I wrote to my husband last night - today is our 10th wedding anniversary. I'll never let him read it - it's much to pathetic but I had to get it out - thanks for letting me put it here.
Are you sorry you married me? Did you know it would be this hard? Sure, you knew I was sick alot but it didn't seem to bother you.
Love was new, you were going to save me.
10 years later - so many doctors later. The headaches are worse and we are distant.
You have always lived up to your end, working hard every day and all you ask is that you come home to a wife who is not wallowing in self pity. That's why I am asleep so many times when you come home at 7:00 PM.
Better you don't see the pain in my eyes - better for you and me both. I can't stand seeing the disappointment anymore. Guilt is a major trigger for me.
Are you sorry you married me? Do you think of all the things we could have done with the money we have poured into finding out what's causing this? Have they convinced you that it's all in my head? Are you resentful that I can't seem to keep a job? Do you still have hope?
Are you sorry you married me? I wouldn't blame you if you are, but I promise that I will keep trying. I know it's been bad lately - worse than I've actually let you know. What's the point, what are you going to do? I will go to yet another doctor - I will keep praying for relief - for both of us, and maybe just maybe, you will get your wife back and this person who lives with you now will be gone.
Your wife,
Susan
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest - I hate pity parties and I feel a little disgusted with myself that I've let it reach this point but I am not giving up - I'm just tired.
Susie Q