Posted by Carl D (208.4.16.220) on August 18, 1999 at 02:11:06:
I just got done reading through the board. I can't believe some of the things Linda B said to/about me. Yes Linda you are being concise and accurate when you say you are being a bitch. If I have pity parties, I'm the only one showing up. I come here to unload (I dont have a shoulder here - sorry , I guess I'll just suck it up, deal with it until I cant take anymore and I snap and Kill someone or myself). I thought It was healthy to unload feelings of anger,disappointment, fear,frustration - etc. I was often told "when you put too much air into a balloon, it explodes" well, when a person has six to twelve episodes of hardcore pain and no one around him understands, instead earns nicknames like "FREEK" "SHAFT MAGNET" and his doctors, family and the whole f$#kin world blows him off - lemme see... ever heard the term "Going postal"? Ever wonder why? Could be holding all of those feelings inside.
Listen, I've left enough posts that if you have been here awhile - you have an idea of my personality, and if you dont like it then WHAT THE F#@K ARE YOU DOING READING MY POSTS? If you dont like what a stripper wears (or doesn't) stay the hell out of the strip club - know what I mean? So if you dont like what I have to say DONT OPEN A POST FROM CARL D. Now - how hard is that?
I've had a good day today - 2 level 12's thru the night and one mild one today - no shadows - haven't seen a day like this in a while, and then I get online to see that everyone is bitching about how I always whine and think I have it worse than some of you. Do you have an abortive that works? Something to deal with pain and sleep deprivation or a good pain management system? If you answered yes to any of those questions - you have no idea what I am talking about. I have lost my job,my apt, my girl,my band - Basically I lost everything. So, I'm supposed to just go thru pain and say thats groovey, I dont need anyone or anything except pain? Well, I did that for awhile, nobody understands - most dont care too. And then I find "CLUSTERHEADACHES.COM" finally I thought, I'll bet everyone here has had thier lives torn completely apart - lets see how they deal with it. As far as I can tell, most people have a grip on thier "Episodic" clusters pretty well, some have had thier lives turned upside down, but I have the feeling that the people who could relate best to my situation are probably dead already - destroyed thier lives and thier will to live. Did mine too - but I have gone through hell, I have had no one to turn to. No one has given me that great big hug and said "I understand. It will be alright." You still don't get it do you? This message board has been my shoulder, and now that it is turning cold - so am I. Yes, I am pissed. Yes I am "disturbed". Yes I do cry over having to sit awake holding my head - holding back the fact I can swallow whole handfuls of pills at a time, but might wake up in hell. Yes I do stress out. Yes, I have a crude sense of humor. Yes I get suicidal. Yes I get over emotional. Isn't that what makes me human? The fact I feel things - oh wait some of you don't realize this - I am an artist, a writer and a poet. I feel things stronger than most. My feelings are deeper than most people's thinking. It's like tripping on acid - how your senses are enhanced. Ever "felt" music before? Ever "tasted" words? Ever "heard" pain? Ever been "moved" without travelling? Ever been alone in a crowd?
I don't expect many people to relate to me. I never asked for everyone to like me, I did hope to find someone who could relate and maybe has felt the way I do sometimes. I hope this pisses someone off too, then we can have a "pissy party". come one - come all.
So this is my last post on this board. Apparently to come here you cannot have a personality or even think of possessing individuality. You must have the same pain and deal with it the same as the rest of the controlled species formerly known as human. Do not show signs of liking or disliking, as this may provoke the disapproval of "THE CLIQUE" and also may expose any weakness that may and will be used against you. Anyone caught showing emotion or distress will automatically be attacked and called profane. This is not a place to unload or express feelings of any kind unless they can be praised with a common CHBoard catch phrase like "way to go" or "Good Job". I've had a bad day or I am going through hell is not included in this category.
I'm not sorry I think for myself. I'm not sorry for the things I've said. and as for Linda B - I did not attack you when you sent me the E-Mail saying you were going to kill yourself and wanted me to tell everyone else afterwards. When did I say "you need mental help" or "you should be in a Psyche ward"? I never did. I never attacked you. And as far as killing myself goes - I wouldn't tell anyone here if I was going to or not, none of thier damn business!!! And after some of the attacks I've had. I guess I have no right to express feelings of anger or, what was it this Chet? guy called it, venomous something - when I receive death threats via e-mail and such. Oh, that all should be taken in stride. I should be happy that someone wants to come to my town and I Quote "Rip my F#@KING heart out and burn it". Yes, I tend to overreact when it comes to things like these. And if I go into a "Psyche ward", you can be damn sure I will earn my stay.
Yes, I'm pissed - feels good - I feel like a kid again. Feel like ripping the heart out of life and feeding it to those who haven't the heart to embrace it.
The Freek,
Carl D
"Portray sincerity
Act out of loyalty
Defend your true country
Wish away the pain
Hand out lobotomies
To save little families
Surrealistic fantasy
Bland boring plain
Hold me down in restitution
Living out your date with fusion
Is the whole fleece shun in master?
Don't feel guilty, master writing
Somebody said that they're not much like I am
I know I can
Make enough of the words for you to follow along
I sink and then some
Slippery (Sickening?) pessimist hypocrite master
Conservative communist apocalyptic bastard
Thank you dear God for putting me on this Earth
I feel very privileged in debt for my thirst" - Kurt Cobain