Posted by Carl D (152.163.207.68) on August 16, 2001 at 03:36:26:
RIGHT NOW...
Right now, I am sitting in HSG chat, hoping for a friend.
Right now, I am dealing with too many things
Right now, My clusters are back in full swing
Right now, My head is a mess
Right now, Things are not what they once were
Right now, I am dealing with something most cannot relate to
Right now, The keyboard on my puter is not working properly, so there may be errors
Right now, my life is an error
Right now, I am dealing wih the fact that I just laid two friends into the ground yesterday, as a result of a tragic car accident that should not have happened to begin with
Right now, I am thinking of how both of them affected so many lives
Right now, I am grieving the fact that they died so young
Right now, There is a hole in my chest where my heart used to be, and two holes in my head that are shot up daily with a pain some know, but I wonder to extent with reason
Right now, Words cannot express exactly what I feel
Right now, I have lost 7 friends in less than four months, to everything from murder to AIDS
Right now, I have lost my faith in any god
Right now, I am struggling beyond my means to sustain my own personal freedom
Right now, I am alone
Right now, All of the proper positives have turned negative
Right now, After being sick unexplainedly for a month, and learning I might have cancer, I am told I am fine
Right now, I am facing the fact that my testing has come back HIV+ 90% after a long unexplained illness, and have the final results back early September
Right now, I am wondering my options for survival
Right now, I want to die, but it will not be by my own hands
Right now, Nothing is pure and innocent anymore
Right now, I am facing the possibility of never seeing my niece and nephew again – and no one can ever know how much I love them
Right now, I love someone who is terminally ill
Right now, My heart cannot take much more
Right now, I wonder who I could have been had it not been for my circumstances
Right now, I love Elaine, Jeremy, DJ, Todd, Frank “Viper”, My nieghbors, my brothers, and most of all Michelle, more than anyone could possibly ever fathom
Right now, Life seems surreal
Right now, I am wondering why the fuck I even come to this goddamned board anymore
Right now, My friends have vanished
Right now, I am worried to the point of being physically ill about my cousin, who has called me his idol, with everything he is doing
Right now, Everything that is important to me is on hold
Right now, Time to myself is a joke
Right now, Everyone has made their problems mine
Right now, The pain in my head reminds me of the unknown pain from hours earlier
Right now, No one can hear me cry
Right now, I am just realizing the unbelieveable loss compared to my miniscule gain
Right now, I am kind of curious as to how many have said “This is too fucking long” and already moved on to the next message
Right now, If there is a god, he doesn’t care anymore
Right now, I am feeling sorry for myself
Right now, Someone has to
Right now, words seem feeble and overrated
Right now, I wonder who I should have been
Right now, These tears are not of pain, but confusion
Right now, I wish I was still a child
Right now, I long for someone to just hold me
Right now, I miss talking to Georgia
Right now, the third nervous breakdown in one month is seemingly mellower than the first
Right now, I am wondering why my body shakes for apparently no reason uncontrollably for 1 – 2 hours a day, and my doctor will not move me up in his list of appointments
Right now, I both grieve and hold contemptment for the human race
Right now, I am jealous of those who are normal and lead sound lives
Right now, I face eviction
Right now, I am both a soldier and a form of man who still believes in honor
Right now, I am not holding anything back, and that is all I have done for a long, long, long time
Right now, My mother is with me in my heart
Right now, The world is too big, and yet too small
Right now, I am in the middle of self realization
Right now, I miss my guitar
Right now, Life seems futile
But all I can say is…
Right now, I have not given up hope
CFD