Posted by Carl D (208.4.16.153) on April 28, 2000 at 23:23:41:
Okay, I guess I should ask: What day isn't ordained of hell - for a cluster sufferer?
Today was especially hectic. An hour and a half of sleep, three(?) attacks between 9:00pm and 6:30am, and I had to drive to Granite City to the docs office in my Crustang. It died twice on the highway, stranding me for about ten minutes each time. The fuel pump and blower are rigged to the circuit box, and it gets too hot and shuts itself off. Had to wait for it to kick off before I could continue. I was freaking out (as usual), hoping and praying a cop wouldn't pull up to ask me what the problem was and, to see my license (You do not need to see my license and registration.) Right now, my drivers license is expired, my plates are suspended and expire at the end of the month, and I have no insurance. Can you say "Bad Deal"?
Well, made it to the doc's office. Basically I rambled for about five minutes straight (It's my GP and I have not seen him since 12/98), telling him about CH.Com, the fact I would be dead by now had I not found this site, How much I have learned about CH and headaches in general, and how the last two doctors he referred me to were insensitive and didn't know jack from jill. He recommended me to a doc over at Barnes hospital in St Louis who, he says is very good, semi retired, and is good with helping hard cases that cannot find relief - though he is not a h/a Specialist, he is quite an experienced neuro. I am convinced the only H/A specialist is the sufferer, not the doctor. Well, he set me an appointment for 7/18, now I just have to find a way there. As of Monday (5/1) I cannot even drive my car around the block!!! The piece of spam will not pass emissions, so I am ready to junk the clunker, or find a gearhead who wishes to invest in it to "Fix it up into a badmobile."
On the way home from the doctors office, I stopped by my Bros house in G.C. before heading out to the highway. While I was there, I was shadowing pretty good. Well, I headed for home, was on the highway about ten minutes, and felt that pressurized "its coming" feeling and was ready to just drive off the highway as fast as my go cart would go. Instead, I took an exit, and sat in a Jack-in-the-box parking lot for at least a half hour, pounding on the dash and punching the inner roof! Once back on the road, I went to the pharmacy and got my meds.
This is where the necessary "Can't even begin to thank you guys" comes in. Were it not for the medical fund Elaine started for me - I wouldn't have got my meds. Thanks to everybody who has donated to it and, with any luck - the administrative law judge will show mercy on me, grant me my disability, and then the fund can go to help anyone else in need. As hard as times have been for me, and as brutal as these things are, I know someone else out there is probably having a rough time with meds and stuff too (or am I the only bonafide "LOOOOZER" on this board - wait...don't answer that.)
The last two days have been real tough for me. I have been fighting some serious depression and, not winning thank you very much.
I just deleted the last two paragraphs I typed, due to the fact I know {the 's' word} is a very touchy subject here, now matter how much people think about it or need to talk about it. It should not be talked about or discussed. Several people have made it very clear that you cannot talk about this issue here and that it is best to just take all of those feelings, bottle them up, and hide them deep, deep down where nobody else has to hear about it, and they eventually build up enough pressure until the person can no longer deal with it on thier own and emotionally explodes. Man, how F#@&ed up is that?
You could say I am dealing with alot, and I'll just leave it at that. I'm kinda on a emotional rollercoaster that is being motored by the CH rollercoaster I am on: One day good - the next day...HELL! Today has been hell, only God (yes, the G word) knows what tomorrow brings. Maybe The end. Maybe a new beginning. I am still sifting through the ashes of yesterday trying to reason the scars of today - remembering the detrimental pain yet to come.
Carl D