Posted by Carl D (208.4.16.232) on October 05, 1999 at 09:35:34:
I read Todd's post, which DJ highlighted in red, and apparently those with chronic head pain are unwelcome here. I have suffered with CH's for 12 years, and have been chronic for 20 months. This has been my only source of support and lately, it seems that only a few people actually care.
I have been through hell and back, and back to hell again. I have been in hell for almost two years. I have no supporters on this end. I deal with this hell daily and have been fighting the urge to give up. I have been turned into something I don't like as a result of the pain, the meds, and the rejection. I am a freak. I am hopelessly chronic. I am tired. I am alone. I guess some things will never change. I am sorry to have been a burden on those who can never understand. I cannot handle this anymore. I never dreamed my life would turn out like this - NO, I had big plans, and had the connections to make those things come to pass. I never for one minute thought at age 17 when this started that it would ruin my life and make me the outcast, the freak, the butt of jokes, and the biggest loser on the face of the earth. But it has. I am alone. I deal with this torture alone. I am so gone right now - it's too much to deal with.
I deal with chronic clusters, emotional pain, and manic depression - which I never had until the CH's took over my life. What is left when your stripped of your life? The pain.
"I...Hurt myself today -
to see if I still feel. I...
focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real
what have I become?
my sweetest friend.
Everyone I know goes away
in the end.........
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt."
NIN - 1994
"world come crashing down again - again
It seems I've fallen apart my friend.
and something inside my head is broken apart
a thousand pieces that used to be my heart....be still
now everythings turning grey for me,
I'm seeing clearly now
and you could make a change for me
somehow
so say a prayer for me - I'm falling down"
Carl Daniels - 9/27/99
To those that stood by me - thank you. To the rest...goodbye.