Posted by Carl D on June 07, 1999 at 19:06:45:
Hello All, Still alive & kicking. Haven't been able to get online for awhile. I now live 30 minutes out of town, and unfortunately have a hard time making it into town, as I have a hard time with gas (If I had a horse, he would probably always be sick.) Still in glorious cycle (16 months and counting!!!) Every now and then, they will slack up on me for a day or two (By slacking, I mean I may only get one or two). Yesterday sucked though.Like I said, its a 30 minute trip, and I decided to try to make it into town to church yesterday morning. Had a CH until 10:30 am, guaranteeing me to be late. So I got ready and bolted out the door, got on the highway, and started getting ANOTHER CH!!!! Had to take an exit, pull up in a parking lot, and ride it out. By the time it was over and I got back on the highway, I once more felt like just driving off doing about 100,but pulled myself together and made it to the church right as it was letting out. A friend of mine took one look at me and freaked! "Dude, you look awful. Headache?". No, I missed the jetsons this morning and had a conniption,WHAT DO YOU THINK? I have very few friends who try to understand the torture and despair I go thru. It seems the rest of the world is dominated with ignorant people who have yet to discover how to use the human mind. I don't go off much, and try to contain myself, but something inside of me is screaming "Fuck CH's; Fuck ignorant people; Fuck the whole damn health care system and fuck my doctor". Sure, it doesn't solve anything, but I feel slightly better. (Actually, I was screaming that the other night.)Can anyone relate? I've taken so much medicine in the last few years, I feel like a junkie (except a junkie GETS his fix). Lately I have been jumping out of my skin at the slightest thing, and I usually have a good handle on my temper. But I am not strong, I am not getting stronger. In fact, I think I am losing my mind. No, I'm not gonna do anything crazy, not yet. I'm going back to the neurodick tomorrow (The one who insulted me) and I am going off!!! I used to be pretty intimidated by Drs. but now I just get more pissed when they offer shallow answers. I had a CH at 5:00 am that made all of the rest pale in comparison. It was a 12 on a ten scale. Pissed my pants, passed out, woke up and puked.Nothing I take helps, and I have tried a wide variety of treatments. I have been on verapamil nonstop since 11/94, and it seemed to work at first, but now I feel like I am taking a placebo. Vicodin ES does nothing. Indocin does nothing. prednisone does nothing. I just have to "Deal with it". I am not getting stronger, instead I am becoming more cynical, angry, depressed and withdrawn. After I come out of a CH; I am heavily depressed. It can last five minutes to five days, but it's a down that can only come from these CH's. Can anyone relate? Anyone? I'm still fighting though. I am almost out of Verapamil and took the last of my Vicodin this morning, and I haven't been able to come up with the money for meds. Talk about living in hell. Here it is. I would just stop taking the verapamil, but when I do, I get CH's back to back and become "Completely non-functional". I did this twice last year. Sucked worse than anything that has sucked ever before. And for anyone on verapamil, you cannot just stop taking it, as it is a blood pressure medicine. You have to wean yourself off of it slowly. I already started that process Friday, which I suspect has something to do with the brutality this morning. But I would rather do that than just run out and not be able to get more. So if you don't hear from me for awhile, I have probably turned my fists to powder from punching the walls. Sorry to have rambled so much, but I have been super bummed out all day. I never thought a cycle could last this long. Now I am beginning to wonder if it will. Has anyone else been chronic for longer than a year? Please let me know, and please tell me what you do to cope with it.
Hoping to be struck by lightning and be miraculously healed, Carl D
P.S. I envy you strong people.