Posted by Glenda (66.56.160.229) on January 01, 2002 at 16:06:19:
No Undies On
From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
Where's the Tampax
Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture. Therefore, I'm the only one who would be using Female products, correct?
A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing.
*insert Twilight Zone theme*
It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (that time of month), I go back to the cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure?
I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now.
Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and, Low and Behold! at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves!
Now I am starting to freak... Dear God, what are they doing with them?!!
I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can handle this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!"
With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet.
I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"
"NEVER MIND...GO PLAY!"
Sexy Nightie
A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing!"
Her SOn's a Vet
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. After several weeks, the priest was overcome with curiosity and approached her.
"I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he said to her.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church."
"That's wonderful. How much does he send you?"
"Oh, about $2,000 a week."
"Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"
"He's a veterinarian," she answered.
That is an honorable profession." said the priest. "Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
Limp & Wiggly
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back in the hole.
He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in the hole." Grandpa replies, "I'll give your five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that hole."
The little boy runs back into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is stiff and straight as a board. Then he stuffs the worm in the hole.
The grandfather hands the boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
HOPING FOR A HAPPY PAIN-FREE NEW YEAR FOR EVERYONE!