Posted by a friend on November 19, 2001 at 09:50:09:
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
> through the pet
> syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead
> goldfish,
> the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the
> vet.
>
> Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night,
> my sone came
> up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one
> of the two
> hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
> I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
>
> I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face
> and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
> rodents was indeed
> lying on his back,looking stressed. I immediately
> knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
>
> "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
> "She's having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
> and Ernie, Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
> thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I
> accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
> their cage?"
> she inquired. (I actually think she said this
> sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
> reminded her,
> (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while
> gritting my teeth
> together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some
> guys, ya know," she
> informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
> what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the
> best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
> I
> announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
> birth."
>
> "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to
> do with a litter
> of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to
> know.
> (I really do think she was being snotty here, too.
> don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
> what looked like a
> tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
> second
> later. "We don't appear to be making much progress,"
> I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
> the foot when it
> next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
> disappeared.
> I tried several more times with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
> know. "Maybe they
> could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
> pattern here with the females
> in my house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We
> drove to the vet with my
> son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
> breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother
> noted
> to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
> mean what she does
> to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for
> God's sake.)
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
> peered at the
> little animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested
> scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
>
> "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately
> for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster
> is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a
> boy."
>
> "What!?"
>
> "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
> as they come into
> maturity, like most male species, they um....
> er....masturbate. Just
> the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
> glancing at my wife.
>
> "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this.
>
> "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife
> offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
> understood.
>
> More silence.
>
> Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
> giggle. And then
> even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
> believing that the woman
> I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
> flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face.
>
> "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
> its...its...teeny
> little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in
> laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned.
>
> We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
> the hamsters and our
> son back into the car. He was glad everything was
> going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
> done, Dad," he told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed,
> collapsing with laughter.