Posted by Charlie on November 03, 2001 at 23:34:56:
A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today andhelp my country track down those responsible for killing thousands ofinnocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 50 now andthe Armed Forces says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't beolder than 35 to join the Army. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-oldsoff to the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be ableto join until you're at least 35-years-old. For starters:Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10-seconds. Old guysthink about sex every 15-seconds, leaving us more than 28,000 additionalseconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't livedlong enough to be cranky and grumpy. A cranky and grumpy soldier is adangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them intosubmission or surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's theremote control?"An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you shouldn'tgo to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. Anaverage old guy, on the other hand, has probably consumed at least126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through thedesert heat with a backpack on and an M-60 over your shoulder would dowonders for a beer belly.An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get upearly just to show we can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.] If oldguys got captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probablyforget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would bea real brain teaser. If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty muchbe able to get into the Army without a hitch. According to the ArmyInternet site, I'd need to pass an entrance exam [officially called anASVAB], but the simple questions I saw weren't exactly headachematerial. For example:A magnet will attract: (a) water (b) a flower (c) a cloth rag (d) a nailI took a wild stab at it and guessed, "nail," knowing they'd probablystick me in some desk job with Army Intelligence after Boot Camp.If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are neededto run 20 machines? (a) 16 (b) 18 (c) 3 (d) 60Well, let's see now.....three workers per machine times 20machines....err....60?Finally, they wanted to know if I had command of the English language,just in case I had to describe an enemy camp from memory.Now you know where the first questions come from for the "Who Wants ToBe A Millionaire" game show. Boot Camp would actually be easier for oldguys.We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like softfood. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. Welike them almost better than naps. The Army could lighten up on theobstacle course, however. I've been to the desert and didn't see asingle 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side. I can hear theDrill Sergeant now. "Get down and give me.....er.....one!" And therunning part seems to be a hell of a waste of good energy. I've neverseen anyone outrun a bullet. I'm reminded of the story of the young bulland the old bull standing on a hill looking down at the cows. "Let's rundown there and make love to one of those cows," says the young bull."How about we WALK down there and! make love to ALL those cows," repliesthe old bull.Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For goodreason too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's stilllearning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To learn that apierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker inthe back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more aboutlife before sending them off to a possible death.Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards whoattacked our country three weeks ago today.The last thing they'd want to see right now would be a couple of millionold guys with attitudes!Charlie.......Snarl