Posted by Frank (216.249.92.117) on May 02, 2001 at 20:49:21:
In Reply to: Redneck Letter posted by TerryS on May 02, 2001 at 20:32:24:
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview
2. Always identify people in your yard before
shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to
change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in
the will, it is still considered rude to drive the U-Haul
to the funeral
home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that
you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise"
the fruit of
the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no
matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
job that should be done in private, using one's OWN truck
keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste
of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing
for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and
alter the taste of
finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that
stuff on the bathroom wall
two years ago".
3. Establish, with her parents what time, she is
expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM., others might say
"Monday." If the latter
is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure
suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for
that
special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even
if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.