Posted by GR (32.96.237.18) on April 03, 2001 at 09:26:09:
Words of Wisdom
Life Reflections by George Carlin
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets .
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I Should have been
more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it
must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't
your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell
you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is
beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket
and said,"Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
library,the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill
Clinton Adult Book Store.
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Great Wisdom
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have
their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish
and he will
sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and
it holds
the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is
moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.