Posted by Carl D (64.12.104.182) on February 25, 2001 at 09:34:36:
Okay, so who missed me?
Well, I have been officially chronic for 3 years now. After a brief stint of the beast slowing down, he is returning with wrath, and it has me madder than a mormon at a Marilyn Manson 48 hour music festival!!!! In laymans terms, I am stressed out as all fucking get-out!!!
The Bullshit system has treated me like a bag of shit, and I am fed up to my broken and rotten teeth with it.
I have not been able to get foodstamps since September, and still have not received Medicaid. What is the holdup, since I am on disability, and have rent and bills piling up worse than spam mail(and the threat of losing my freakin' power)?
I was rejected for not being able to provide "ALL NECESSARY INFORMATION" back in October. What, you may ask, was this so-important info they lacked? A copy of my Car Title.... MY FUCKING CAR TITLE FOR A PIECE OF SHIT I CANNOT DRIVE BECAUSE IT WILL NOT PASS THE STATE EMISSIONS TEST, AND I AM REQUIRED TO FOOT A BILL OF UP TO $450.00 BEFORE I QUALIFY FOR A WAIVER FROM THE EMISSIONS, AND HAS SAT IDLE IN A FUCKING PARKING LOT, BECAUSE IT NEEDS NECESSARY WORK DONE TO IT!!!! (did ya happen to notice I am slightly perturbed?)
I could not find my car title after I moved into this crackshack haunted hotel, and therefore they rejected my application. Well, I found the blessed document (which they have copied in the past - where did those copies go to?) and when I pulled into the parking lot of the Illinois Dept of Public Aid, the lot was full of nice, newer cars. Anyone who knows me knows my true heart, and I am not prejudiced one bit; I have many friends of different race, colors and creeds. I do feel though, that a different form of prejudice does exist, and if I were a person of different ethnicity, I would be treated differently by the system than I am because I am caucasion. Anyway, I returned with the aforemention holy sacred document - My car title, Feb 2nd, and my caseworker, upon finding out that my plates are suspended due to failure to pass the state emissions test, said "Oh, we don't need this then, if it is not lisenced and driveable." WHAT??? WHAT THE FUCK????!!!!????
I have not been able to see my doctor (I can only be seen in the neuro clinic - if they will accept Medicaid, and my Doc will "Oversee", my treatment). I have 5 teeth that have gone bad, and one is a lower wisdom tooth which, only a 1/4 of remains - and have been in great pain with this for months now. In addition, I have TMJ that is getting worse, and finally found a dentist who will accept Medicaid. However, there is what is called a "spindown", and you have to spend so much money before the Medicaid takes effect. Where am I supposed to get the extra money? Magically pull it out of my ass? If I could do that - I'd be richer than shit, just for the sheer art form of it. I could resort to dealing drugs, selling guns or some other scam - but I am not a politician.
A friend of mine went with a week ago Friday and chewed the caseworker a new one (he said things I didn't have the oopmh to say, including the phrase "I have been thrown out of better places than this, lady!") Well, I got my foodstamps this week, but have to wait for my Medicaid card. WHAT THE FUCK? Do they not realize - um, hello, I need the help like, not tomorrow, but RIGHT FUCKING NOW??? If I showed up at that godforsaken place during a level 10+ CH, I would probably go to jail for half-killing someone. So, I am calling my caseworker tomorrow morning and telling her, I NEED MY CARD RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I NEED EMERGENCY DENTAL TREATMENT TODAY, AND ALSO HELP FOR MY TREATMENT OF MY CH - BEFORE IT GETS TO THE LEVEL IT WAS AT THIS TIME LAST YEAR!!!
To continue my ranting (for those of you who haven't clicked off of this post already and moved on to something a little more heartwarming), Friday night I went with some friends to a Mardi Gras party. Before we left, a friend and I were sitting here, and I "Snapped into a Slim Jim" - and the back half of my left back tooth broke completely off!!! Genius me, I figured I would drink something of alcoholic nature, and that would lighten the pain a little bit to a dull throb... GREAT THINKING, ME GENIUS FUCKHEAD!!!......
I wound up going into a 9 - 10 attack, and we had to leave the party. I sat in the passenger seat, while my friend Will drove and my other friend Bry sat in the back. They had never seen me in an attack before, and them knowing about my condition - and kind of having an inkling about CH - they freaked, and hard!!! I just sat there, pulling my head by my neck down to my knees, and bawled my fucking eyes out, and tried not to freak too badly in front of them.When we got back, my friend Will tried to pat my shoulder and I snapped at him "DON'T TOUCH ME" - and he said, "Okay, I will go for now, and will call you tomorrow." He and Bry both said they saw it in my left eye shortly before it hit, and both were shocked at how the attack affected me. Will was crying before he left, and I just sat on the floor, trying to relieve the pressure and cut off blood flow for a good hour. Then, was awakened at 5:30am yesterday morning for round two. I had some major shadows half of the day, and had about a level 5 - 6 for an hour last night.
If I do not get my Medicaid soon, I will be forced to find a way to the ER at Barnes in St Louis, and have them call my doctor immediately (Which, if they do, I am sure he will tell them to admit me). I just do not look forward to feeling like someone is shooting liquid drano into my veins every 4 hours for 4 days, and then being sick and weak for 2 weeks afterward (not to mention, it does not get rid of them, just decreases the # of attacks after the 3rd day of treatments). I was down to 2 or 3 a week, and then 1 or 2 every other day, and now am back to a regular basis.
It is amazing how much angrier my music is becoming. If I ever get it recorded, rebellious teens everywhere will eat it up - making Marilyn Manson and Rage Against The Machine look like Doris Day and Glenn Miller's Orchestra. I am motherfucking pissed off, and I am taking that anger out on my art - and the fucked- up system that could give a shit less about individuals. Have written some tender ballads like "Pigs for the Slaughter", "The Devils Touch" and "Skullfucked" - (note, my music will not appeal to audiences of the Backseat Boys or Ricky Fartin).
Anyway, I have ranted, raved and vented long enough. I will tell you all in the future of a new organization I am brainstorming with a friend that is to be called "AMERICANS FOR REFORMATION OF EQUALITY". This is not a hate group, will not be in any way associated with hate groups, but will be for ALL PEOPLE, AND THE TREATMENT OF ALL PEOPLE EQUALLY. Right now, a person of color, or even an immigrant, has more rights than a caucasion person. I am not saying that to be racist - it is the SYSTEM that has malfunctioned and made people of different ethnicity to be more privelidged than those who are not - otherwise that person (upon feeling thier rights have been infringed), can scream Racism - and everyone jumps...including organizations like AARP. I believe that peoples rights are being infringed upon, because they have no one to stand up and fight for them.
Politicians are the biggest part of the problem, and I think they are way overpaid and could care less about "The little people" while they carve thier steaks in thier cute Mansions with servants. I believe it is time they "Serve the servants" - and all politicians should be required to live on the funds appropriated to both the disabled and senior citizens. If that day were to ever come - I guarantee the system would be changed. I am not fighting for white power, black power, yellow power or red power. I am fighting FOR THE PEOPLE - PERIOD. I will provide details of this organization at a later date, once we have the website up and running.
I believe the only way we will ever change this nation lies in the hands of our children (and praise Jesus I have none), and right now the youth are angrier and more rebellious than anger. Channeled in the wrong direction, we will self-destruct as a society (maybe even the world) within the next 20 or so years. WE ARE CREATED AS ONE NATION - ONE PEOPLE - AND FOR ME THAT MEANS "EQUALITY FOR ALL"
I just hope I live to see the day when we are no longer numbers, and instead are recognized as human beings. Unfortunately, I disagree with Marilyn Manson when he says "Nothings going to change the world." I believe things can change - once everyone learns to channel thier hatred and anger into productivity instead of violence. Kids today (and yes, I still relate to them - I will never grow up), are lashing out, they are saying "FUCK IT ALL, IT IS ALL HOPELESS" and doing things like lashing out - and blowing people away. Why?
A madman actually summed it up best, believe it or not. "You Teach your children to kill. You teach them to hate and spread hate and they are coming back at you with knives drawn...and you ask why?" There is truth to that statement. Television depicts how grandeur life should be, and then when they are let down by those they look to, the world in which they live, and what it is being done to the common people, including thier own families...What are you teaching your child? How is he affected by your condition or the Systems failure to you?
Okay - I have gone on waaaaay longer than I expected to, but I feel very passionately about this. There are many forms of abuse, and this is a very abusive society. It can be subtle or explicit. Like Ally Sheedy's character in "The Breakfast Club" (Still a must see for any parent), when asked by Emilio Estevez "How do your parents abuse you?"
She replies, "They ignore me."
That is what A.R.E. is all about...
Americans for the Reformation of EQUALITY
and with that, Peace.
Carl D
P.S. - If I have offended anyone, so be it. Now and then, we all need something to make us stop and think.