Posted by August (206.103.56.62) on December 26, 2000 at 03:34:41:
Sometimes, after the torture has drained from my head, I have to re-orientate myself. Sort of like a prisoner left in the dark of solitary confinement. The door is opened and the light shines in, it's too much to grasp at once. I have to feel my way around, look at my surroundings and convince myself i'm really free. The question "but for how long?" shoots into my mind and hits me where it hurts most. I'm not really free. I'm in between torture sessions. I like to convince myself I'm free. It makes life so much more cheery. Then the next 10 rolls in. I'm once again a torture experiment gone wrong, with no way out. I can be asked by passer- bys "how are you doing?" of course the answer of "I'm fine" comes rolling off my tongue. They can't see the terror I'm living with. It's hidden deep inside. They can't hear the silent scream I can no longer keep inside. If they could hear it and were to stop and ask me how I am... I'd smile and say I'm fine, all the while thinking" you can't help me, I wish you could....I wish you could reach me, release me, or at least wake me up, and tell me it's all just been a bad dream, your safe now,.... everything is going to be alright.