Posted by Nancy (216.236.17.29) on December 11, 2000 at 10:14:13:
Redneck Nativity
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
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My Goldfish Died
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when
her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what
the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without
looking up. "I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big
hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your damn cat."
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How To Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror andstick outyour gut so that you can complain and
whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth,leg cloth,long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave
on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it
has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to
spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the
"woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one
last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the
curtain hanging out of the tubthe whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,
grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Hugs and a smile for a Monday,
Nancy ;-)