Posted by Nancy (216.236.5.48) on October 31, 2000 at 10:58:50:
Cuckoo Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight..."promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down too easy. At around 3AM drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, The cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up. so I cuckooed another nine times myself. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, wittysolution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why,
she explained, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, then said "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then farted.--
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Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury spokesman, the Pillsbury Doughboy, who died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough, and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
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Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after
all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun, but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain when she
gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour
away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of
nowhere.
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good
footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on
the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to
pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she
answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was"freezing her butt off and needed some assistance."
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She, too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free, so,
as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their
"intimate encounter," the two did not see one another
again.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands
down...or perhaps that should be "pants down."
A whole new definition of being "pissed off."
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My Bike!
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self
sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the
chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a
rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,"Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peers over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them both. The missionary goes
ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in
cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike!"