Posted by Carl D (208.4.19.54) on June 15, 2000 at 08:28:24:
Well, my attacks are lightening up. I have had 1 attack since midnight, and the last few days have been averaging 1-3 a day, lasting up to an hour. Yeah, it sucks, but is much better than it has been. A friend of mine looked at me (and said so too) like I was completely insane because I was in such a good mood last night. He asked if I am out of cycle and I said,"No, but I am getting sleep again and the attacks have eased up to 2 or 3 a day." He couldn't believe I would be happy to get 3 attacks in a day. Yes, I am nuts - but after what I have been through, I can deal with it alot better than I have in a long time. Level 6-7 at a half hour to an hour is better than a fullblown 10+ at an hour and a half. I am still taking the meds (though less of them) to help conrol the shadowing/jaw aches/tooth pain/ neck aches.
Thinking back on the last few months, I wonder: Maybe if some of the 'critics' were to either a.) walk a half mile in my shoes or b.) get 7 full-blown 10+ attacks lasting upwards of 1 1/2 hours each, everyday - with no sleep, they may have a grasp of what I have been whining and complaining about for the last year or so. Trust me, it is not fun and it sucks the very life out of you. It does something to you. I am afraid to go back and re-read some of my old posts; I know the state of mind I have been in, so I kind of understand why some people have looked down on me. Thats ok. That is fine. Not everyone has the exact same experience with CH. If they did, they would be called 'Clone-Clusters', because everyone would react the exact same way and feel the exact same way.
To be quite perfectly honest, I feel better than I have in a very long time. I am in good spirits, have even my old comical cut-up self last couple of days. I went to a scavenger hunt last night and quite a few people noticed a difference in me. Someone even said "where have you been?" Referring to the fact that I was more myself last night than I have been in months. I think one key element - besides the attacks easing up a little, is sleep. Has anyone ever gone long periods of time without sleep? Have you done it repeatedly over and over? After awhile, it begins to play tricks on your way of thinking and, pulls you into a pit of despair. Don't just take my word for it - ask someone who is going through sleep-deprivation how they feel. You may not like the answer they give you.
Okay, enough about all that.
I am not even discouraged at the moment when I probably have good reason to be. I was offered a ride to convention by someone - all I had to do was make it to Kansas City, MO and I would have a way to Vegas. Scratch that one! I got an email from the person this morning stating THEY are not going to the convention now, so I cannot count on them for a ride (hmm, did they even register?) I was going to check on getting a bus ticket to K.C. next week (I have to borrow the $$ for that too), however - it doesn't look like that will do any good now. So, I am back in the same boat: I have to find a way to Las Vegas. ARRRGGGH! (I'm okay, I'm good, I'm spiffy-to-doodle.) Just a tad, minor set-back in what has already become a battle trek I am titling:
"Escape to Las Vegas"
Will he make it there in time? Will he make it there alive?
It looks like I will be checking into how much bus fare is from St Louis to Las Vegas - and how many days it will take to get there. I swear, if it isn't one thing, it's a mother......
Oh well, not gonna let a little thing like that ruin my day.
You know what is funny though, I was going to make a point in this post (in fact, I was on a mission when I sat down to the 'puter), and can't remember for the life of me what I was going to say. Go figure. It was so important.
Anyway, I am happy to say that I am in a better mood than I have been in quite a while, and don't even have a desire to shave my wrists at the moment (Wooohooo!)
I keep hoping that I am going out of cycle and, within a few months, will look back at all of this and, okay....there is no way I could ever look back at this period of my life and laugh, or shrug it off - been through too much; and it still may not be over. At least I am getting a bit of a break - though not completely pain-free or attack-free, I am getting sleep (and that is mondo-important!)
Actually, the only thing still bugging me is my nerves: they are shot! I think that may be part of the reason I have been throwing up so much lately. For awhile I thought it was the meds, then I blamed the heat. Now, I think I am technicolor yawning due to the fact I am a bundle of nerves and have been under a ton of stress lately. I am trying to find an apartment for 320.00 a month or less - that includes utilities. I am trying to get other things organized too. Also, I have been pulling out the few hairs left in my melon dealing with the SSA. And the hassle with my car/yard ornament. Not to mention a million other things. Last night, for no apparent reason - I lost my pizza. It is wierd too - it is almost like there is no precursor to getting sick: I constantly feel a little queasy anyway, but lately it's been "oops! I'm gonna hurl real quick. Excuse me." and then I lose my creme filling! Oh well, I am dealing with that too.
Okay, I've probably rambled again haven't I? (Don't worry Jonny - this edition will come out in audiobook under "Posts on tape vol.XVIXII") I can't help it. At least I am in a good mood for a change. Hope everyone else is doing well and having to battle very little. Then again, it seems like while one person is having light days, another one is having rough days. I'm sorry. But hey, it is my turn for a few 'lightdays' (Yuck, why am I suddenly thinking of something else that has to do with 'that steady monthly flow'? Can you tell I am currently reading "Carrie"?)
Okay, thats it. I'm really gonna sign off this time. Even though I am in a good mood and not ragging, whining, or feeling terrible at the moment - I know that some things will never change: I expect at least 4 bashing posts, 3 hateful emails, 2 hang-up calls, and a dead pidgeon hanging from the tree! Oh well, what can one do?
Peace, love and port-a-potties,
The Fabulous Furry FREEk, bro
P.S. - I had an explosive thought - but then I farted and it was just a faint memory.
If you will excuse me, I have to take a dump and get a load off of my mind.
I got kicked in the butt and now I have a headache. What does that mean?
I took a laxative and now my thoughts are racing!