Posted by Carl D (208.4.19.9) on April 04, 2000 at 08:07:35:
I have come to vent - vent I tell you!!! VENT!!!
I am so stinking tired...I literally have been up so long I can't remember when I last slept. I have had 3 attacks since midnight (just got over yet another), and it is taking me twice as long to type - as I am making five million errors a minute and have to keep going back and fixing it (awe screw it!!! Like you've never seen a typo before.) Had to eat some more Hydrocodone as I am shadowing heavy, but have eaten so much Vicoprofen, my stomache is in knots. Have already thrown up this morning, And haven't eaten since yesterday morning. I don't even have any desire for food - or anything remotely resembling the stuff. My head hurts, my stomache hurts, thank God I can't feel my teeth right now (they hurt too.) I think I have been up 3 or 4 days, I don't know. All I know is, I even try to sleep sitting up, My head eventually falls and I get hit instantly (just add water.) Thinking about trying to sleep sitting up straight with a rope around my neck to keep my head from falling over. Yeah, that might work. I am just a motherplucking mess. Yesterday I didn't get hit as often as I have been - but boy when I do get hit, it makes ritualistic disembowelment with a melonball scooper sound like fun.
I keep checking the mailbox every five minutes nowadays. Keep hoping a miracle comes in the mail. I even take the phone into the bathroom now, hoping to hear something about my SSI. Should hear something by the end of the month. I wish I would find out before my birthday, but then again if they reject me again - I would rather wait to find out after my bd. That day is gonna be depressing enough as it is.
I was born on my moms birthday. In '93, she died on our birthday. It will be my 30th (oh joy), would have been her 60th, and is the 7th anniversary of her death. Not to mention the fact that since '93 either the day before or the day of-something bad happens. '93, 4-19 was Waco, 4-20 mine and my moms bday and her passing. Then, '95 brought Oklahoma City, and then last year - the Columbine High School shootings happened on my bday. So I'm not looking forward to it at all. I can already predict this year will suck worse than any year that has sucked before. Might just spend the day with my head in the toilet - continually flushing (can you say 'self swirlie'?) Have thought about getting hammered (oh, I forgot - It induces clusters - which I would get whether I do anything or not.)Needless to say, I have been depressed just thinking about it. I miss my mom. I* haven't seen her since she died. (I only say that because some people STILL talk to and see thier dead mother - right Norman?)
I am slaphappy (no, not sailpappy - s-l-a-p-h-a-p-p-y), which I guess is better than being slapsad. Most of my life I was slappedstupid. Does it show? I dunno.
I'm gonna jump off of here for now (Oh shut up...I mean the computer!)
If I were to take my own life, I wouldn't want to do it by conventional means. That way, at my funeral, people (the two that would show up) could say "Man, he sure was a creative guy - I mean, just look at the way he died."
With as many times as I've cheated death, I will die from something stupid, like choking to death on a peanut or slipping in the shower and breaking my neck, or....
pease,
Lrac Slienad