Posted by Riccardo (209.239.65.145) on February 29, 2000 at 13:29:39:
Humor: Texans and Italians
A Texan, on holiday in Italy, is trying to impress his
host.
He brags about everything imaginable - the size of the
vegetables, the size of the cattle, the size of the estates
and finally, since his listener is still totally
unimpressed, the size of the state.
"You know", he says, "you can get on a train and, 24 hours later you're still in Texas".
"You know", replies the Italian, "we have that problem all the time!"
***********************
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when
they say things like, "You know sometimes I just
forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her
birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she
doesn't give a damn.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our
bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I
heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in
vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"listen witch... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all
excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms
of stress are eating too much, smoking too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is
that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
*********************
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter." said the man, "Observe! And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop
listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless
man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
{WAIT! WAIT! I'm not through yet}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
{wait for it....}
"But he's a dead ringer for his brother."