Posted by Jonathan Poulter on October 23, 1998 at 05:23:16:
In Reply to: I NNNNNEEEEEEEDDDDDD A Break posted by Jonathan Poulter on October 22, 1998 at 09:17:14:
Thanks for your support every one, I do appreciate it. It is nice to know that some many people can care for a complete stranger. But I can't help feeling the way I feel. Not just down because of my lover leaving me, down because of the way I look now.. I mean I used to look pretty good. No top model, but although it may seem vain, I at least felt good about looking at my self in the mirror. Now I can't, it makes me cry. I can't go swimming, I feel like something out of an alien movie, and all this because of a to much medication, my body is giving in.. I can't explain the loss in weight.. I've had every blood test under the sun, nothing except a little bug that I got from food poisoning in Greece. I look and feel like shit, I know the pain of losing my lover will go away, and I also no that I should look forward to the next one, as they always say "the next one is always the best". I can walk my way through everything, giving everything a logical reason and repeating to myself the advise I would give to others at times like this. BUT I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I don't mean to belittle your helpful comments, I do see your point and I do feel your love, but please understand, I'm alone. I'm in the UK were it seams that there is not a lot of help for CH sufferer, and I'm in London were you would imagine there would be the highest concentration of specialist and other CH sufferers. But Yet I have only one neurologist, I can find no information on other treatments in the UK, most Trusts only deal with migraine, only one deals with CH and it only does a few seminars a year. I'm afraid, not just of what the medication is doing to my body, but what my mind is doing to me.. I'm not well, and the worst this is I know I'm not well. I was at work, sat on my chair starring into the abyss for I don't know how long before someone actually had to shake me to snap me out of it. I'm lucky they haven't fired me yet…! I'm desperate for a hug, for some protection from this, for a reason why.
Thanks again, I'm going to go away for the weekend to a place where no one knows me. We'll see how I feel after the weekend.
Please believe me when I say I appreciate your help..
Thanks again.
J.