Posted by Carl D (208.4.16.218) on December 11, 1999 at 17:53:19:
"Beating me beating me down, down, into the ground"
This week has been hell!!! I'll spare the gory details, but will just say I am weaning myself off of Verapamil, as I am almost out and cannot afford more (man, I feel like I've done this before and...). I didn't get to see my doc due to lack of finances (you have to pay upfront to get in to see this doc, and they show no mercy) so I rescheduled for Jan 12. Last night/this morning had 4 attacks and have had 1 attack since noon, lasted over an hour, and I am shadowing intensely.
Back into the sleep deprivation: have had maybe 4 hours total for the week. Trying to stay positive and focused, but it is hard when the only feelings you experience are pain, depression, anger, pain, sorrow, loneliness, heartache, pain, etc.
I think I may also suffer from some type of seasonal depressive disorder - understandably : my father died two days before thanksgiving in '88 and my mother died on my birthday in '93, and Christmas was HER holiday. Since she has been gone, this holiday brings me down. I think it has something to do with the fact that this was the one time of the year when everyone put aside differences and came together and celebrated life. This will be my second year of CH during the holidays. Am I rambling or does it make any sense?
I don't get presents anymore, Haven't for a few years, but I am asking Satan, er...I mean Santa, to bring me relief this year. Ok, so there is no Santa, but hey, a guy can hope, can't he?
I think the sleep deprivation is taking it's toll on my body: alot of chest pains, dizziness and some confusion. The only meds I am taking are Verapamil and as I said, I am being forced to wean myself off of it due to lack of finances, did this a couple of times before - with dire consequences. At this point, I have no choice.
In the back of my head, I hear a sweet voice whispering "smile honey, you're about to dive into the lake of fire".
In more ways than one.
PFD's, Carl D
P.S. - It is heartbreaking to think of kids as young as 8 and 10 going through this pain. Makes me question God a little bit.