Posted by Angela (207.202.183.68) on December 05, 1999 at 14:17:31:
In Reply to: CH is ELITE! posted by Bob P on December 05, 1999 at 13:37:37:
I don't feel so Elite from having Ch. I feel screwed, trapped, suicidal, and desperate most of the time. That's when I am elite enough to be experiencing this concoction from hell. Ch has touched and tried to destroy everything in my life. Every day you have to ready yourself mentally for the war. You know intimately the torture that is sure to come. All you can do is wait. Wait for it to come, wait for it to end. Our vocabulary includes descriptions like stabbing red hot pokers slicing through our brains. Red hot lava forced through our eyes,running down our nose, way too many demented descriptives I use only in poems to get it out of my head. My eye right now has most of the skin scraped off of it from rubbing it to death. The side of my head hurts to barely touch. I have bruises by my temple from grinding my head into my headboard. I've lost my husband because of this fucked up elitism. I've lost too many jobs, my dream of becoming an art therapist, the respect of my family and friends. I watch people and wonder what it's like to be normal. To live without fear, without having to go to war every day. Like Bob said if we are elite it's because we are strong. We haven't given up yet, we're still here and we're surving. For people who are in hell it's comforting to see that others are in it and surviving. (It also hurts like hell to see them hurting and surviving)It gives me hope and strenghth to keep fighting. So if people wonder why they are getting jumped on for writing things like sleeping through a 10, it's because most of us are not even getting to sleep. And our 10 is dipping our heads into the mouth of a volcano. Like Ted said one day they are going to find a cure and I sure as hell want to be here when they do so I can get a life.