Posted by jeremy on October 10, 1998 at 22:39:48:
Frustrated, somehow writing helps. Pardon my
indulgence.
Just when I think they're gone and free the cluster
attacks return with a vengence.
It almost seems like the clusters have a virus-like
inteligence.
They eventually get around every obstacle I throw
in their way.
Most of the preventative and abortive meds work for
a while, but ultimately the pain finds a way around
them. Like a virus nearly dying out from an antibiotic
only to return wiser and stronger.
During an attack I do all sorts of things for distraction,
from pacing, angling my head backwards real tightly,
to putting my head in the freezer. And all work for
a minute, until the pain learns about it and finds a
way around it, and the pressure on my eyeball is so
great it feels like it's about to split open.
During the bad attacks I hate life and consider ending it.
When the attack is over I see how irrational I was,
and silly for being so over-reactive.
But then it comes back the next day and again I feel
I don't want to live this way and there's no way out,
nowhere to escape except for death.
The second worst thing about this (1st being the pain)
is not knowing what I'm fighting, i.e.- what's causing
the vascular dialation & inflamation in the first place.
ANd why there?- behind the eye socket on only one side?
And I'm scared, live in fear and plan my life around
when I fear it will occur. Never go anywhere without
abortives. Paying extortion money to Glaxo-Wellcome.
What worries me the most is that they are occuring
with increased frequency. At first it was episodic,
once or twice every few years, then a few times a week
for a month every year, then several times a day for
a week every month, now maybe 3/day everyday for 2 wks.
with shadows? all day long.
Now on 480mg verapamil, indocin, and going through my
savings buying Imitrex spary. Oxygen doesn't help.
I've tried everything from prednisone to antidepressants,
anti-seizure medication, acupuncture, holistic approaches,
diet, psycho-therapy, massage-therapy, etc.
I'm running out of patients, hope, resources.
Thank goodness for this message board-
it keeps me sane!
Jeremy