Posted by Ueli (194.230.200.177) on October 31, 1999 at 05:26:41:
Tennis oldie Boris Becker apparently needs some additional pocket money. Presently, he can be seen on every German TV channel, acting as an absolute dumb ass who in a commercial learns how easy it is to subscribe to AOL.
I luckily had access to his diary:
July 18th
I just got by post a CD from AOL, completely free of charge. First I made a security copy on the hard disk, in case the CD gets broken some time. I certainly wont get another free CD from them! Then I tried to contact AOL. It didn't work and I have no idea why not.
July 19th
A bloke of the AOL customer service meant, my computer would need a modem. However, I don't know what for. He's just trying to piss me off, how stupid does he thinks I am?
July 24th
I have bought a modem. A friendly boy from the neighborhood (9 years old) helped me to connect to AOL. I said to him he is a genius. He said compared to me he is one. Perhaps he is not as friendly as I thought.
July 28th
Today I tried, to chat. I spoke into my computer, but nothing happened. Perhaps I must buy a microphone?
July 30th
I try the usenet. The people there often use capital letters. I never found out how to do that. Maybe they have an other keyboard.
JULY 31ST
I CALLED THE MANUFACTURER OF MY PC< TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE MISSING KEY FOR CAPITAL LETTERS> THE BLOKE FROM THE CUSTOMER SERVICE SAID< I SHOULD USE THE CAPS LOCK KEY> THEN I TOLD HIM THAT MY SHIFT KEYS ARE NOT THE SAME SIZE> HE SAID THAT THIS IS STANDARD> I SAID TO HIM< I DON"T WANT A STANDARD KEY BOARD> THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A GOOD SUGGESTION< BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL HIS COLLEAGUES THEY HAVE TO LISTEN TO OUR CONVERSATION>
AUGUST 2ND
TODAY I HAVE WRITTEN A JOKE TO A HUMOR NEWSGROUP> I WAS NOT SURE IF I DID IT RIGHT> THEREFORE< I POSTED IT ANOTHER 67 TIMES>
(Note: Keyboards used in Germany actually have a shift lock, not a caps lock key)
August 4th
Someone said, I should stop shouting and he used the word "FAQ". There is no reason to become vulgar at once. And then, I cannot quit shouting, since I am just typing! Whereupon someone explained to me, that I should switch off caps lock. But what for do I have the key then? They probably only put it in to earn more money.
August 8th
Today I got an e-mail, in which someone explained to me how I can make quickly much money. I am all excited. I followed his instructions and sent the message to all newsgroups that I know.
August 9th
I have now a signature card. However, it is only 6 pages long. I must do some more work on it.
August 10th
I was today in a news group with the name "alt.aol.sucks". Now I am convinced, that aol should be kicked of the net. If I only knew what an "aol" is...?
August 12th
Unfortunately, I cannot ask the 9 year old neighbor anymore. His parents say, always when he comes home from me, he laughs so much that he can not eat nor sleep. They don't let him go to me anymore. I really must have a great sense for humor.
August 13th
Today I posted to every news group I know a question about this "aol". I appended my signature card, which now has grown to 8 pages. I am sure, everybody will love to read my favorite poem. Shortly I will also add a short story.
August 14th
Somebody tells me that because of my behavior my account will be canceled. I told him, I didn't have an account with his bank. Hey man, what a moron.
August 15th
I can not connect to AOL anymore. I'll have to call their customer service, to tell them that something is broken in their equipment.
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Before anyone starts criticizing my translation, have a look (and a laugh) at what freetranslation.com made out of the two last entries:
14. August said, my account would become because of my behavior deleted me to someone. I said would have quite no account in its bank to it, I. Man is that stupid.
15. August I no contact more can receive with AOL. I must call afterwards unconditionally once the customer service, around which to say that with them what is broken.
.... and Altavista translator did a similar job:
14.August someone said, my account to me because of my behavior is deleted. I said to him, I would have no account with its bank. Man is the stupid.
15.August I can take up no more contact with AOL. I must call absolutely times the customer service afterwards, in order to say to those that with them which is broken.
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PFNAD's
Ueli