Posted by Nancy (198.247.6.191) on October 23, 1999 at 11:38:51:
The 19 Cardinal Rules Of Driving In Dallas:
(Or anywhere)
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back inbefore
hitting construction barrels. Bonus points are awarded for getting out of your car and moving the barrels.
2. Turn signals provide clues as to your next move in the roadbattle so never use them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance betweenyour car and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going.
If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less your chances of getting hit.
5. The car with the most extensive body work automatically has theright of way. (Remember no fault insurance. He might not have as much to lose as
you do.)
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
7. Construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you aboutroad closures immediately after you pass the last opportunity to exit,but just before the traffic begins to back up.
8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there toprovide useful information, but just to tell time and make Dallas look progressive.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
Passing on the shoulder is encouraged. That's why they're paved.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Texas look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are intended only as suggestions and are actually unenforceable.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speedup or move over doesn't mean that a driver on 635, flashing his high beams behind you, doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic on I-35, I 635 (LBJ) or 75 Central Expressway.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or evena person changing a tire.
If you're lucky, you may see the unlucky breakdown victim getmugged.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly.
Dallas is the home of very high speed slalom driving thanks to Texas DOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers'reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Parts of truck tires are left on new highways
where potholes haven't yet been established.
15. It is considered correct in Dallas to honk your
horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
Our city is founded upon such traditions.
16. Seeking eye contact with another driver automatically revokesyour right of way.
17. Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
Be sure that your rifle is on the gun rack in the rear window and visible rather than lying on the seat, and in range to pick up easily.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead toOklahoma.
19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a
freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Dallas residents notify the Texas DOT where exits should have been built.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TALE OF TWO POTATOES
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one ... a real Sweet Potato, whom they called "Yam." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting Half Baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry . . . no Mr. McSpud would get her into the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise
so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato told her about going off to Europe, and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland, and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out West, because she could get Scalloped.
She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U." . . . that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from
and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a . . .
a . . .
a . . .
(Now . . . wait on the punch line.)
(Don't become impatient now.)
COMMON TATER!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was on the Leno show (9-7-99)
Jay went into the audience to find the
most embarrassing first date that a woman
ever had. The winner told about her first
date experience. She said it was snowing
and cold and the guy took her skiing.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were
strangers, and truly had never met before.
The date went OK until they were coming
back that afternoon. They were going along
in the car and she had to pee real bad,
but it was still about an hour more back
to civilization. He said she should try to
hold it, and she did . . . for a while. It
finally came to the point where she told
him that he could either stop and let her
pee beside the road, or in the front seat
of his car. They stopped and she went out
beside the car and pulled her pants down and
started. Well, she didn't have real good
balance, so she let her butt rest against
the rear fender to steady herself.
He was a real gentleman and looked the other way.
When she was finished, she quickly noticed
that her warm butt had stuck to the
fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump
handle nightmares immediately came to mind
and she soon realized that she had a real
problem. She was thinking of every way she
could to get released from his fender. He
was getting a bit concerned too, and
finally cried out to her asking if she was
OK. Well, with a red face, she said she
was freezing her butt off!
She finally had to ask for assistance.
Now this isn't the worst of the story, there's
more to come. She took off her sweater and
covered herself as good as she could and
asked him to came around to see if he
could help. After the laughter subsided,
they assessed the situation. They had a
real problem. They agreed that they needed
something warm to melt her butt off of the
fender. Thinking about the pee that she
just sprinkled on the ground made her think
that pee is about the only thing that they
had that could get her free.
Well, after exploring every other possible
solution, she looked the other way, and so
did he, and proceeded to unzip his pants and
pee her butt off the fender. The rest of
the trip home there wasn't much conversation.
True story
Insert--I wonder if she was a Blond??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pheasant Hunt
3:00 a.m.- Alarm clock Rings
5:00 a.m.- Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
5:30 a.m.- Throw everything except the kitchen sink into pickup.
6:00 a.m.- Leave for the deep wood and prairie.
6:15 a.m.- Drive back home to pick up gun.
6:30 a.m.- Drive like hell to get to the field before daylight.
7:00 a.m.- Park pickup. Forgot the damn coffee.
7:30 a.m.- Head into field.
8:05 a.m. See 8 pheasants.
8:06 a.m.- Take aim and squeeze trigger.
8:07 a.m.- "Click"
8:08 a.m.- Load gun while watching pheasants go over hill.
9:00 a.m.- Head back to pickup.
10:00 a.m.- Still looking for pickup.
11:00 a.m.- Realize you don't know where pickup is.
NOON - Fire gun for help. Eat wild berries and grain.
12:15 p.m.- Ran out of shells. Eight more pheasants flush.
12:20 p.m.- Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.- Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 p.m.- Rescued!
12:55 p.m.- Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
2:00 p.m.- Arrive back at hunt site.
2:30 p.m.- Leave pickup to kill pheasants.
3:00 p.m.- Return to pickup for ammo. See partners 4 pheasants.
3:05 p.m.- Load gun, leave pickup.
3:30 p.m.- Empty gun on jackrabbit that's been bugging you.
4:00 p.m.- Return to pickup for more ammo.
4:01 p.m.- Flush pheasants beside pickup.
4:02 p.m.- Load gun.
4:03 p.m.- Fire gun.
4:04 p.m.- One pickup less windshield.
4:05 p.m.- Hunting partners return to pickup with full limits.
4:06 p.m.- Repress strong desire to shoot hunting partners.
4:07p.m.- Fall into pond.
4:10 p.m.- Change clothes, throw old clothes into pond.
4:15 p.m.- Take pickup, leave partners in field.
4:25 p.m.- Pickup gets stuck in pond.
4:26 p.m.- Start walking.
4:30 p.m.- Stumble and fall- drop gun in mud.
4:35 p.m.- Meet skunk.
4:36 p.m.- Take aim.
4:37 p.m.- Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud.
4:38 p.m.- Shit pants.
4:39 p.m.- Jump in pond.
7:00 p.m.- Skunk departs, wrap *+#% gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT- Home at last!
Sunday- Watch football game on TV while slowly tearing hunting license into
little pieces. Place pieces into envelope and mail to game warden with very clear instructions where to place it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Technical Support
Subject: Software Problems
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it
monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe
~~~~~~~~
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within
your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "Warnings/ Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the
blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck. Tech Support.
GIRLS WE NEED TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING about husband 1.00 (not here) and boyfriend 007 (always willing to do anything!!!!) hehe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 25 country song lyrics:
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing
You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car >From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You
Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number
Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By
Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You (Bob P ???)
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do
Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker
Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number 1 Country and Western song of all time is:
(drumroll, please)
I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hugs and a smile, Nancy
; )