Posted by Riccardo Pentenero (209.239.65.145) on August 30, 1999 at 02:48:10:
Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle
When I went to work in the 1970's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry. Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
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Size DOES Matter!
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When
he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these
seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is
big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug
placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs
are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender
where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied,
"Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the
bathroom, but accidentally missed the second
door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush,
don't flush!"
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THE EXECUTION
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead,
and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!!
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has
any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ...Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how
to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he
is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was
how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in
the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is
a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary
is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he
sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre
is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and
kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and
kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in
cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."