Posted by Nancy (198.247.6.202) on August 28, 1999 at 13:42:57:
SCIENTIFIC OBSERVATIONS
SCIENCE IN A NUTSHELL
{{by 5th and 6th graders}}
.....................................
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top,and you sit on the bottom.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.
The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting.
When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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Sorry ladies...
Thoughts on marriage....
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being PaulNewman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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Management Wisdom
Lesson number one
-----------------------------
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson number two
-----------------
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson number three
-------------------
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched,the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss,so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had
forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all.
He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
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Hoping to go there this winter, so it ain't all that bad!! Drummer should like.
Welcome to Arizona!!
John was tired of the rat race in LA. so he moved to Arizona.
Here's his Diary:
May 30th
Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together.
What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 108 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 105 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th
Dry f***ing heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home
air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th
115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this f***ing state.
Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his f***ing head off. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell
like roasted Garfield!!!!!
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It's been too hot to for two f***ing months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all
summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the f***ing pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the f***ing windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My
wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house.
The f***ing monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield.
That does it, we're moving to ILLINOIS for some peace and quiet.
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Think I posted this one before but lets see both sides.
Guy moved to Illinois from the south.
Dec 8: 6:00pm It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love the snow!!!!
Dec 9: We woke up to another beautiful blanket of crystal white snow,covering every inch of the landscape. What a sight. Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world as Illinois after a fresh snow. Moving back here was the best idea my wife ever had. Shoveled for the first time in 11 years after living in Birmingham, and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a life!!
Dec 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor, Bob, tells me not to worry because we'll definately have a White Christmas. Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of the winter that I'll never want to see snow again - he's such a nice guy, but I think he's a little screwy. I'm glad he's my neighbor though.
Dec 14: Snow, lovely snow - 1 foot last night. The temperature dropped to minus 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
The snow plow came back this afternoon, and I'll be damned if it didn't bury them again. I didn't realize that I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so much.
Dec 15: 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my pickup and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's Honda, and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all.
Dec 16: Ice storm this morning on top of all the snow. Fell on my ass in the driveway putting salt down. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I thought was very cruel.
Dec 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Can't make it out to the workshop cause the doors are frozen shut.
Electricity was out for 5 hours. Had to pile on the blankets to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
I think they call it "Cabin Fever". Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but don't dare admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right.
Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
Dec 20: Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find some neighbor kids to do the shoveling, but
they all said they were too busy. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying too.
Bob says I have to shovel, or the city will have it done and bill me for it. I think he's lying.
Dec 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today. It's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel,
and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and got ressed again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a snowplow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too
busy. I think the asshole is lying.
Dec 23: Only 2 inches of snow today, and it warmed up to zero. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house for Christmas. What is she....nuts?? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She said
she did, but I thinks she's damn well lying too.
Dec 24: 6 inches of snow, packed so hard by the snowplow that I broke my damn shovel. I thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
sonovabitch that drives the snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling so he can fly down the street at 40 miles an hour throwing snow all over where I've just been. Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that sucker who drives the snowplow.
Dec 25: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! 20 more inches of the $@%^&** stuff.
Damned if I ain't snowed in again. The idea of shoveling again makes my blood boil...Damn, I hate the snow!! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit the sonofabitch over the head with my
shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time I think I'm gonna kill her.
Dec 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move back here. It was all her idea. She's really starting to get on my nerves.
Dec 27: Temperature dropped to 30 below, and the pipes froze. Water all over the damn place. Called the plummer - said he's booked up - everyone
is lying - what the hell is going on here!!!!
Dec 28: Still snowed in. The witch is driving me crazy!!
Dec 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to get up and shovel off the roof or it might cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
How dumb does he think I am anyway?
Dec 30: Damn roof caved in. The city sent me a bill for snow removal, and the snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife moved in with her mother.
Dec 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more snow, no more shoveling, no more listening to everyone's lies.
Jan 1: I feel so good; rather euphoric. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to this bed??
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Get ready for a COLD shower!
A Riddle...
THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY
FOUND
IN
THE
RANGE
OF
8
INCHES
LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.
IS
USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING
LOOSELY,
READY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE
END
AND
SMALL
HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT
IS
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO
A
WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE
IT
IS
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING
BODILY
MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.
WHEN
FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
STICKY
WHITE
SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL
NEED
CLEANING
FROM
THE
OUTER
SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND
SOME
OF
FROM
ITS
LONG
GLISTENING
SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS
DONE
AND
THE
FLOWING
AND
CLEANSING
LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
EMANATING,
IT
IS
RETURNED
TO
ITS
FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST, READY
FOR
YET
ANOTHER
BIT
OF
ACTION,
HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES A
DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........
=
=
=
=
=
TOOTHBRUSH.........
What were you
thinking?
You PERVERT!
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Hugs and a smile, Nancy ;)