Posted by Annie (204.87.60.201) on August 27, 1999 at 19:26:19:
I know this is a few hours early but tomorrow is my birthday and I am celebrating by adding to the Saturday Humor posts... enjoy - hope nobody minds I posted a little early...
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome John’s roommate Jack was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Jack and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Jack came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can’t find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jack, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jack. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
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There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sinecure, spending most his time out on the Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks.
One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.
Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks as to where the cards, flower, ect. were hidden by the magician in his act. The bird would say, “the card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe...” Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was *forced* to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his “sun time.” To put it mildly he HATED THE DARN PARROT, but since it was the Captain’s he couldn’t just weigh the bird down and deep six it.
Late one night the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water at 0200 dark in the morning. Alas, he was the only one left alive!
As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log - his arch nemesis, the Parrot!
They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days and neither said a word, just glared.
On the Fourth Day the Parrot finally broke the silence and said, “OK! I give up - what did you do with the ship!”
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “Now what?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeep. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”