Posted by Nancy (198.247.6.230) on August 21, 1999 at 16:27:15:
Blonde and Her Mail Box
A blonde woman went out to her mail box and looked in it, closed it again, and then went back into her house. A few minutes later, she went out and looked in the mail box again, then closed it and went back inside,once again empty-handed. After several more trips, a watchful neighbor raking his grass commented, "You must be expecting a very important letter today!"
"No," the blonde woman answered, looking puzzled, "Actually I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail!"
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* SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL *
* You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail
* You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in.
* When your Doctor comes in for the final consultation about your surgery, he asks,"Do you want fries with that?"
* Instead of sponge bath, they send in a big, old Saint Bernard to lick you.
* As you're going under, your surgeon says, Man, am I baked.
* In the operating room, you see a surgeon holding a sign that says,WILL DO SURGERY FOR FOOD!
* Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps.
* All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.
* You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.
* Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting,Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!
* Instead of patient, they use the term plaintiff.
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Exercise Diary
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessonsat the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea
to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's somethingof a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed
me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my
sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The
word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good
idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse...it would be a great trade!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists...they don't expect it back.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Half of the people you know are below average.(they don't know CHer's)
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Money can't buy love; but it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
For people who like peace and quiet: the phone-less cord.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead.(for CHers)
There can't be a crisis today: my schedule is already full.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open minded, your brains may fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
Diplomacy is letting someone have your way.
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Look Out For The Following Computer Viruses!
LEWINSKY VIRUS
-- Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
-- Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
-- Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
-- Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MG.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
-- Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
-- Disks can no longer be inserted.
DISNEY VIRUS
-- Everything in your computer goes Goofy :).
PROZAC VIRUS
-- Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
-- Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
-- Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
-- Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
VIAGRA VIRUS
-- Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
CLINTON VIRUS
-- Gives you a 6 inch hard drive with NO memory.
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The following are the results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine:
Runners Up:
1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number
of highway signs, theye will eventually produce all of the wordl's great literary works in Braille.
2. Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. The resulting pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances
other peoples eardrums, so they are compelled to yawn to even it out.
3. Communist China in technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. Therefore, they cannot use acronyms to allow them to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases as their arms are brought in close to
the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously
fast.
Honorable Mention:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the
lost r's migrate to the southwest causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and to invest in "erl" wells.
The Grand Prize Winner
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. Likewise, when toast is dropped, it always lands butter side down. I propose to strap buttered toast
to the back of a cat; the result being that the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. One application of this theory could be the
construction of a giant buttered toast-cat array that could be used to construct a high speed monorail easily linking New York with Chicago.
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Can I see your license?
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over
like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "Do you know how fast you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,"That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
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A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
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Hugs and a smile, Nancy ;)