Posted by Jackie M. on August 23, 1998 at 02:47:44:
In Reply to: Please help, my husband wants to die posted by Kathy on August 23, 1998 at 00:18:46:
Dear Kathy,
My heart aches for both you and your husband.
I sit here with tears in my eyes, because I can truly empathize with you both, yet I feel so inadaquate because I don't know how to reach out and help when I have been where your husband is many times over. I can tell you that the closest I ever came to sincerely contemplating suicide to end the excrutiating pain was only a few weeks ago...and then I found this place. It has been my salvation; to have finally found others who truly understand. Has your husband visited this message board?
I wish I could offer you something more than just sentiment here, but I've suffered from these monsters for over 24 years now, and I don't have any answers. I can only offer you my opinion, which may not be well received by many, but I stress that it is only opinion and NOT advise. For me, 20 years of trying new medications with no success only put more pressure on me and made me feel as though I were somehow at fault....that *I* was the failure.
I'm much happier with the doctor who told me,
"I don't know what else to do for you." Somehow I feel a great burden has been lifted in just not having to try something else. I still dread the next cluster attack and I still entertain thoughts of suicide in the midst of the tortuous cycles. I don't know what gets me through them without slitting my wrists or swallowing a bottle of pills. I wish I did, so that I could help you. But I do feel some relief in not having to "perform" for the doctors and my family by trying another in a long line of medicinal false hopes. I don't think I've been of very much help to you, and how I wish I could. The only thing I can think of is to ask your husband which is his greatest burden;
the burden of the pain or the burden of the guilt in not responding to medical treatments for his family and doctor. If his answer is like mine, the guilt, then maybe someone needs to tell him that it's okay to take a vacation from trying so hard.
All my thoughts and prayers are with you both.
I'm sorry that I could not offer you more, but there are many here who might do better.
Jackie M.