Posted by Nancy (198.247.6.105) on August 14, 1999 at 09:36:59:
BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...
1. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
2. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
3. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
4.100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
5. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
6. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you
7. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
8. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
9. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
10. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
11. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
12. Grow your own dope, plant a man
13. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
14. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
15. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
16. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
18. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes
19. Hang up and drive.
20. If you can read this, please flip me back over...(seen upside down, on a Jeep)
21. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
22. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
23. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
25. Boldly going nowhere
26. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
27. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
28. The proctologist called, they found your head.
29. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
30. Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp.
31. Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
32. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me."
33. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
34. I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
35. CAUTION - Driver legally blonde
36. Horn broke...Watch for finger!!!
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SOME OF RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS:
A girl phoned me the other day and said ..... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
We were soo poor. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
OUCH!!
One day as I came home early from work ...... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that? He said ....Because you came home early.
OUCH again!!!!
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ..... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...... But he pulled through.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
WOHHHOOOOO!! Drum roll!
My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
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Top Signs That You've Had TOO Much Of The '90s (Part I)
15. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
14. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of
cards in years.
13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of 3.
12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that
dinner is ready and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her
web site.
10. You chat several times a day with a stranger
from South Africa but haven't spoken to your next-door neighbor yet this year.
9. Your daughter just bought on CD all the records
your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
8. Every commercial on television has a website
address at the bottom of the screen.
7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of
date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
6. The concept of using real money, instead of
credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the
fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with family
is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat
filing cabinet.
And the #1 sign that you've had too much of the '90s...
1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail
instead of in person.
Well...does that put me out of business With Sat Humor?
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' 99 Darwin Awards
I put lasts years on the board and here is this years...they get better with each one.
You've got to shake your head at these.....
'99 DARWIN AWARDS
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They have finally been released! For those not
familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
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1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got
stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 8-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco
stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an
8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed
in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,
who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 10-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in
1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
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1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried
to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM,
the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur
bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."
SOME MORE ALSO RANS
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1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Jerry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye
iss, she flashed her breasts at him.
"I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into
the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a
cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
2. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the
third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to
flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later.
"He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real
trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes
about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time he finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there".
4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.
The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking,volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river
water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out As for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never
located.
5. BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them
clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a
half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler
"Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been
excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
AND THE WINNER:
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PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more
than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
"With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen.
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Hugs and a smile,
Nancy