Posted by Nancy (198.247.5.74) on August 07, 1999 at 22:17:36:
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer
and alcohol containers.
Some of the suggestions are as follows:
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may make
you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like an asshole.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings likethish.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at 4:00 AM.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't (remember).
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small
(and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually
cause pregnancy
Oh...and remember, "beauty is in the eye of the
beerholder"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
INNOCENT EXPOSURE:
While taking dictation one morning, a secretary noticed that her boss' fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."
He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. He decided to have a little fun and called her back into his
office. "By the way, Miss Smith," he said. "When you noticed my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a Sailor standing at attention?"
"Why, no, sir," she replied. "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags ..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Welcome Home?"
A daughter comes home from the peace
corps in Africa and surprises her mother
who is in the process of lighting the
Friday night candles and serving the
matzoh ball soup.
The mother is so thrilled she can't stop
hugging and kissing her daughter.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling.
Tell me all about what you were doing."
Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How
could you do that without telling me?
What's he like? What does he do?
Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside on the porch
while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in.
I want to meet my new son-in-law."
The daughter brings him in and to her
consternation the mother sees a black
man standing before her wearing a big
grin, a feathered cod piece, an
enormous head dress, animal tooth
beads and he is holding a very tall
spear in an upright position.
The mother grabs her daughter, slaps
her back and forth on both cheeks and
screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot.....
I said a RICH doctor!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A local business was looking for office help. They
put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at
the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office
manager. The office manager looked at the dog and
was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog
looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared
at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you.
The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out
the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog,
"The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with
various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are
a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the
job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign
and put his paw on the part about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says
that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face, and
said, "Meow."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This one sent to me from a CHer
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
RONALD REAGAN:
Well... what chicken?
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Los Angeles POLICE DEPARTMENT:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out
..RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
Well... what chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned with a chicken crossing a road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released Chicken Coop 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook --- and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
By your definition, I did not cross the road with ANY
chicken, for to be chicken would mean to NOT cross, so you see, because a chicken did cross, it was not a chicken and that means that I have nothing to hide whatsoever. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
RONALD REAGAN: Well... what chicken?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
* I started out with nothing; I still have most of it.
* My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
* Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
* All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
* I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few...
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
* When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
* It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Hugs and a smile, Nancy
Have a good wkend!