Posted by Nancy (198.247.6.69) on July 31, 1999 at 02:23:55:
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight ... promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness -- even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times,
cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."
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Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a younghusband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to haveher killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto
the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the
police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
(scroll down)
DRUM ROLL
( PAUSE)
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared,
[You're going to hate me for this]:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
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Two Texas Aggies boarded a shuttle flight out of College Station.
One sat in the window seat; the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Texas Longhorn got on and took the aisle seat next to the Aggies.
He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Aggie in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."
"No problem, "said the Longhorn, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Aggie picked up the Longhorn's shoe and spit in it.
When the Longhorn returned with the Coke, the other Aggie said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too!" Again, the Longhorn obligingly went to
fetch it and while he was gone, the Aggie picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The Longhorn returned and they all sat back and enjoyed their flight.
As the plane was landing, the Longhorn slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" the
Longhorn asked. "This animosity between our peoples? This hatred? This hostility?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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52 year old man gets a very successful face lift. The following morning he decides to test his new appearance at the news stand. He buys a paper
and asks the clerk
"How old do you think I am?"
The clerk replies " I don't know, maybe 40?"
The man says " actually I'm 52"
The man is really pleased now and heads off to McDonalds for breakfast.Deciding to ask again he orders his breakfast and inquires to the cashier.
"How old do you think I look?"
The cashier replies " I'd guess around 35"
The man replies " Actually I'm 52." Now the man is ecstatic.
He eats his breakfast then proceeds to the bus stop to catch his ride to work. Standing alone is an elderly woman. He confidently asks her.
"How old do you think I am?"
To which she says "Sonny, I'm an old woman who can't see very well anymore, but when I was young there was a sure fire way to determine a
man's age. If you let me stick my hand down the front of your pants for 20 seconds, I'll tell you exactly how old you are."
Looking around the man decides since no one could see, he would let her.He says "o.k."
She places her hand down his pants and in 20 seconds removes them and announces "You're 52!"
"Amazing" says the man, "How could you know?"
The old lady replies " I was behind you at McDonalds."
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Midget Cowboy
There was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles achedall the time. As he was always on about his problem, his friend suggest that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the
problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor & told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the
examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget tocough, which he did. "Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did.
"Ahhh!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip,snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side& told the midget to pull up his pants & see if it still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles
were not aching.
"What did you do Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
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"It's So Hot In Texas That..... :-)" FOR BARB D.
*The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
*The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch
is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
*Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying hard boiled eggs.
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"It's So Dry In Texas That..."
*The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*The trees are whistling for the dogs.
*A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me,
cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."
*A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A
rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in
the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor
replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher
puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that."
======================================
FOR BARB....
"You Know You're In Texas When..."
*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
*You can make instant sun tea.
*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your
car.
*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
*Hot water now comes out of both taps.
*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Sounds like here in Kansas.
Hugs and a smile, Nancy