Posted by Nancy (198.247.5.56) on July 25, 1999 at 01:07:09:
How many people does
it take to change a light bulb in cyberspace?
1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all using light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the lightbulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb.
38 votes proclaiming the advantages in using vintage lightbulbs.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
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Faux HMO memo to all Hospital Staff
MEMO
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching
cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or
Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling
his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower,weed-whacker, etc.
Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from
administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units.
We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Photomat.
Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.
Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.
In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor.
Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce.
Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our
HMO's formulary.
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Final Exam
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He
sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and
triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
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Mole Breakfast
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Earl, said "lookey thar up ahead, Bubba, it's a po-leece roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Earl", Bubba said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Earl."Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Bubba.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Bubba. "We're on the patch!"
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Hope I don't offend any blondes, I wasn't and I'm blonde........
o: My Boss
From: Blondie
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions
because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant
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A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed
four miles on her first day; double the average. "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day, however, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem?
An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther away from the bucket."
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What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being
in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that
said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.
What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
ôOh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.ö
Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange
juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your
computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday.
.............................................................
Famous painter
==============
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her career as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work,she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the
eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office,especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, ôI said to myself LThank God, I'm not a gynecologist.lö
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Hugs and a smile, Nancy