Posted by Carl D (208.4.16.194) on July 18, 1999 at 13:28:48:
Ok, so I'm sitting here thinkin "WHY DID I HAVE TO BE SO LUCKY"? I have been getting these things for 17 months STRAIGHT and I'm about to go out of my mind. Yeah, read the recommendations to my buddy Phil F, except for the fact that I'm one of those people that if I make up my mind or set my mind to do something, It is locked. I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. So, having said that, I'm lucky to be alive, as I have made up my mind that if you have no quality to your life - YOU HAVE NO LIFE!!! That is where I'm at. I go thru torturously agonizing pain everyday, almost afraid to go anywhere for fear I'll have a H/A, and then if I do something, I can be "UP" for awhile then I get by myself and sink back into black. Never felt the pain so strong in all my years of having CH's. Feels like I'm being ripped in half. I don't want to live anymore, and at the same time, if I were to go out of cycle or they find a cure - I want to be here for it. I am the biggest ball of pure adrenalized NRG when i am headache free. Some people used to say a party didn't start until I arrived (Yep, I is the jokester). It's funny. I'm kinda schitzo. It's like I'm two different people. The normal me (who hasn't been around in awhile) and the CH me. Anyone else like that? It's sad. There are people who know me who don't know me, because they've only seen this desperate/manic painmaniac. So yes, to anyone who cared, still alive-don't wanna be. Some days feel like fighting, others ready to fall on my sword.
Oh yeah, I don't have E-mail anymore, so anyone who wishes to do so will have to bash me openly on this board. Our "Chilled Out" buddy Dan H sent me a nice little threat, wanting to kick my A$$. Gee, from the tone of his message, he is as chilled as Eddie Murphy at a klan rally (and no, I'm not racist, so don't even start that, It's called an illustration). It was nice to have gotten some of the e-mail's I received before closing out my box, even the one death-threat was kinda funny. (There's a good one. Let me see, how do I really scare a suicidal maniac? I know, I'll threaten his life, that'll get 'em.) I'm hanging on by a shredded thread. One day I might flip out totally and just take a mouthful of Verapamil. Then again, I may hold out till they find a cure, get half of my hypothalamus removed, and get hit by a bus the next day. Yes, I am the ultimate optimist. I can't help it though. It has been said by several people that the way my luck runs: if you put 50 people in a group, pick out 10 bad things that can happen to a person, they will all happen to me. This is true. Out of everyone I know, I had to be the lucky one to get CH's-and then have someone say "oh yes, this life you have spent years building up, watch how fast it comes crumbling down. What took 10 years to build can be easily destroyed in 10 business days." ok, so now I am rambling. I do that when I am mentally drained. I had some sleep night before last, but absolutely none last night. I was an intellectual - but now I am a vegetable. Close, anyway. Ready for a few pain free days- Carl D
"But today there is no day or night. Today there is no dark or light. Today there is no black or white---Only Shades Of Gray" - The Monkees