Posted by Gordon (63.13.86.176) on July 13, 1999 at 15:01:55:
I'm sorry for unloading the other night, it was a bad time for me, I hate knowing that he's coming and not being able to do anything about it. After every attack and every episode, we tell ourselves that it will never happen again, that he will never choose us or never take us to his lair. That is the Power of Positive Thinking. NOT!!! People have told us that if we expect them to come back, they will, if we don't, they won't. NOT!!! WE DO NOT GET A CHOICE!!! We cannot delude ourselves into thinking that a Positive Mental Attitude will help us or to think that we can even make it through each attack. Each time it can break us, rip us to shreds, left in tattered ruins. He will smash our precious attitude and laugh as he watches it crumble. We will not be saved, the episodes will go on til we die. We must accept that and learn a way that works, and when that no longer works, we will find a different way, for as long as it works.
Each time the episodes end, I put everything away and bury it deep within myself, then shudder every time I think about it. He has just taken six weeks, I refuse to give him anymore. I will keep it locked up til he breaks down the door and catches me again.
Not this time, as a group here, we may be able to put together more ways to fight, we can consolidate the remedies that we all use, then when our remedy of choice no longer works, we will have alternatives to try. I know I've tried many things, some good, some not. But I'm willing to try anything new to beat him. The combination of drugs I'm on now, I have never tried like this. A couple follow-up posts suggested upping the Verapamil to 240 mg/day vice 160. I saw my doctor yesterday and he agreed. That means our feedback and advice can help other with their fight. Thank you.
The DHE injections I started Friday were poison to me. I started vomiting and could barely walk until Saturday afternoon when my wife took me to the emergency room for IV, Phenergan and Demerol. It seems I had a reaction to the ergotamine, jeez, I took ergotamine in the early eighties and got sick then too. I didn't even realize the DHE shots had this until I entered DHERGOTAMINE several time in my computer trying to find out what it was. DUH!
The methadone painkiller I'm on doesn't work like the percocette, it takes longer to start taking effect, so I'm well into the torture session before it starts, so it doesn't work. My doctor suggested taking 2.5mg every six hours, just to keep it at that level, and more if I need it during attacks. I started that today after having back to back attacks yesterday. I do not feel "high" from the drugs, but I do have a background headache, no problem.
Thanks,
Gordon