Posted by Nancy (198.247.6.170) on July 03, 1999 at 20:26:30:
Sorry this might be one I already sent? Memory went out with the bathwater.
NOAH AND THE NLRB
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In 6 months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are
destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark. And in a flash of
lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints,"6 months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping ... And there was no
Ark.
"Noah", shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the city planning commission."
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the
Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went
out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen
carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a
Supreme Being.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of user tax.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy
the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
'No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
NOt as good as the beaver's Damn Joke is it?
That had to be # 1
*********************************************
OXYMORONS:
35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt Head
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
And the number one top Oxymoron...
1. Microsoft Works
**********************************************
Music Man
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the
Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
------------------
Guess now, before scrolling down ...
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HEY! No cheating, make a guess before scrolling.
Not even a wild guess before scrolling?
He's decomposing.
*******************************************
The Pope was on a visit to New York to speak to the
General Assembly at the UN. The Secretary General was to pick him up personally at the airport but, being
detained by some crisis or another, sent his personal
limo on ahead instead. The driver held up a sign that
simply said "Pope" and explained to the Pope what had happened and that he was there to take him to UN headquarters and invited the Pope to sit in the back of the limo. The Pope got in and, boy, was he impressed: 9 yard leather seats, one-way tinted glass, Dom P. on ice, air conditioning, sliding sun roof, stereo, television with satellite dish, computer and fax
machine, magic fingers under the seat, all of the
comforts. Then the Pope saw the driver: Walkman
headphones on, wrap around Raybans, leather racing gloves, elbow out the window, wind blowing in the hair,... The Pope knocked on the glass and said: "My good man, I have a proposition for you. I bet you have never sat back here before and I have never driven one of these things before so, what do you say, shall we trade places? You come back here and let me drive?"
The driver resisted at first but eventually agreed. He
pulled over to the curb, got out, let the Pope behind
the wheel and settled in in the back with the bottle of
bubbly. The Pope adjusted the mirrors, put on the
headphones, turned up Tina Turner, stuck his elbow out the window and stuck his foot in it: 80 mph, 100, 120, settled in at 140 mph and flew right past a motorcycle cop. The cop switched on the overhead, gave chase and, with much difficulty, finally pulled the limo over about two miles down the road. He swaggered over to the driver side, rapped on the window and started to say: "Look buddy, what in the holy crap do you think you are ...."
and he saw the Pope behind the wheel. He went back to his motorcycle and got the shift sergeant on the radio.
He said: "Sarge, Mullaney here, look I have pulled over this limo here on 47th Street for speeding and we got a problem. It's a VIP". The sergeant said: "OK Mike, I understand, tell me. Just how important is he? Is he, for instance, more important than the Chief of Police?" Mullaney said: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Chief."
"Alright", said the Sergeant, "is he more important
than, say, the Mayor?" Mullaney said that he was even more important than the Mayor. The Sergeant asked: "The Governor?" and Mullaney answered: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Governor even."
The Sergeant said: "But, surely, not more important
than the Senator?" and Mullaney replied that this VIP
was much more important than even the Senator. The Sergeant began to be a bit worried and asked: "God man, you didn't stop the President of the United States did you?" The cop said: "No sir I didn't, but this man is even more important than the President."
The sergeant said: "More important even than the
President of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? Then tell me, who is it?"
The cop said: "Well Sarge, I can't rightly say who he
is but I can tell you this. His driver is the Pope!"
***************************************************
TOP SECRET
___
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a errifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a
heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
***************************************************
"When I Grow Up... & Get Released??"
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local
mental hospital, is examining patients to see
if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of
his patients, "I see by your chart that you've
been recommended for dismissal. Do you have
any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those alls sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
**************************************
Different Sexes at ATM'S
His ATM
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card, and receipt
5. Drive away
Her ATM
1. Pull-up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're to far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Locate grocery receipt in purse with PIN #
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Reenter Correct PIN #
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Go through purse for ink pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Study instructions again
18. Endorse check
19. Make deposit
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get back into car
22. Check makeup in mirror
23. Look for keys in purse
24. Start car
25. Check makeup again
26. Start pulling away from ATM
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Retrieve card and receipt
31. Get back into car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposit and withdrawal into checkbook
35. Clear space in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles down the road
41. Release the parking brake
***********************************************
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Hugs and a smile, Nancy
sorry I don't think they are as good this time, had a ruff night.
All have a good 4th!!!