Posted by Linda B (208.30.92.9) on June 13, 1999 at 14:42:23:
I have a confession I told Carl something I`m not proud of at all. First Carl I should have never stated to you to tell the board what it was I did. This was not fair to you what so every. So please except my apology.
Two day`s ago I was going to take my life. I was going to take 240 10mg`s of diazepam. I was going to go to sleep and not wake back up. The olny thing that keep`s me from doing this is my children.That and the diazepam is late. How could they forgive their mother taking her own life when they have just lost their father. As much as I really want to care this out I sadly know I can not. God gave me two beautifull children. He did not give me the right to take me from them. For the last 2 day`s I asked my daughter all kind`s of question`s. Like what would you think if mommy wasnt around anymore? My daughter looked up at me and said " Mom I`d miss you. I dont want you to go." Told her I`d still be with her. In your heart. Through picture`s and memories.
She say`s " No mom that`s not the same. I need you."
So all weekend I went back an forth in my mind, how could I do this and still get my children not to hate me. Not to be mad at me. To understand what I did I could not help. I couldnt find an answer that was good enough for them. I know if this weekend didnt go the way it did I would not be here now. It make`s me question WHY!! Besides my children. What is it god has plained for me? Look`s like I`ll have to wait for that answer.
See I had to much time to think about it. All the what if`s?
It`s a bitch to be strong. It`s a bitch to be loved when this is something you do not want right now.
I`m not writting this for sympathy. I`m not writting this for attention. I`m not writting this to get a reaction.
I`m writting this because I was wrong in telling Carl to post for me. I was wrong to throw more problem`s on a man that is crying out help. Carl I hope you read this. Even if you dont post or e-mail back. I just wanted you to know how wrong I was and that I`m deeply sorry for laying this on you. PLEASE forgive my stupidity.
Linda B