Posted by Nancy on June 12, 1999 at 10:45:13:
Happy SAT to all
Hugs and a smile, Nancy
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some
bastard has stolen our tent."
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Van Gogh
After much careful research,it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother
Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store Stopn Gogh The grandfather
from Yugoslavia
U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white Hue Gogh The cousin from
Illinois
Chica Gogh
His magician uncle
Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin
Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother Grin Gogh The nephew who
drove a stage coach
Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle
Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt
Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst
E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin
Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking
Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew
Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van Winnie Bay Gogh
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These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
*"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
*"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
*"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
*"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
*"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
*"All the mile markers are missing this year."
*"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."
*"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
*To many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
*"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
*"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
*"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
*"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
*"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
*"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
*"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
*"Too many rocks in the mountains."
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Parked on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car sputtering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 101."
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