Posted by Nancy on May 23, 1999 at 12:47:30:
OLD LADY'S GAS
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know it because they didn't smell and are silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that
we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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The "Seeing-Eye" Dogs
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go
over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry,
pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua
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A baby was just born.
He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing, I mean laughing really hard.
All the doctors and nurses were examining the little one, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.
One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and guess what he found?
The birth control pill!
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Subject: Observations
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older -- then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals!
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You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
Perhaps, toothpicks?
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Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!
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If you jogged backward . . . would you gain weight?
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Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
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You have to stay in shape! My grandmother ... she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
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Have you ever noticed .... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
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Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amused by
almost everything they saw, but especially by the two silver walls that
could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never
having seen an elevator before) responded, "son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide eyed an unsightly old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circle of lights with
numbers above the walls light up. They continued
to watch as the lights went up to ten and then back to one.
The walls opened up and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father said to the boy, "Go get your mom."
Hugs and a smile, Nancy