Posted by Carl D on May 15, 1999 at 19:29:22:
The Clairvoyant Child
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing. A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
The Laws of Life
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
and of course...some deep thoughts. By Jack Handy
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart man + smart woman=Romance
Smart man + dumb woman=Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman=Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman=Marriage
Smart boss + smart employee=Profits
Smart boss + dumb employee=Production
Dumb boss + smart employee=Promotion
Dumb boss + duumb employee=Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Well, that tapped me for awhile. hope your feeling better soon Nancy. Best wishes, Carl D