Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Stuff that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

My neighbour knocked on my door @ 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, & I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink & be Mary.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night & she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it & some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said, "You're obviously not really listening".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night & I said, "I love you". She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It’s me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.