A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these fellas have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Nuts to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her some bathroom scales.


Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!


I was driving this morning when I saw a roadside assistance van parked up. The driver was sobbing
uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.