My Aunt is mentally ill (severe depression. She's had it all of her life, and is disabled due to it.) and has been very concerned over my clusters and all.

Earlier I snapped at her.

I was having one and she kept fretting about how she was worried about me and wished she could do something and just couldn't stand it... And that she felt bad for me.

And I just snapped.

I know she's worried because she loves me, but my God! I can handle this, I've fought off plenty of things, and although this is OMG HORRIBLE... I can deal.

I know I shouldn't have snapped at her, but, I've told her repeatively not to worry, I'm doing okay. Right now she's so sick that she's obsessing over this... So while I should be patient and file it under 'She is ill' I just can't stand it.

I hate for people to worry over me. I hate people hovering over me like I'm about to fall and break. And most of all, I hate pity.

I've accepted that I have this disease, I know my family can't accept it so easily... but I've learned from so many years of being ill that the harder I try to deny something, the worse it is on me.

I apologized to her, and told her I'm sorry that I snapped... She apologized for frustrating me.

I just wish this disease didn't take so damned much from my family. Take all you want from me, but leave them out of this, you fucking bastard beast. They've had to witness godawful things due to my health over the years... they don't need you making it worse!

I hate the beast so much for this. I hate it for inflicting harm on them. It's not fair that they have to go through THIS hell on top of all of the other shit they've had to deal with. They've witnessed me die. They've witnessed me in near-death states multiple times, not knowing if I'd make it... And now, they have to witness me in such severe pain I can barely stand it...

Sorry about this, I just needed to vent.

Mystina

I feel for your frustration...it sucks....

I, too, don't want pity- I just want understanding.  And space to writhe.

My man makes me so mad for the same reason; he sees me in pain, and gets all sad and upset for me; it got so bad that now HE is having severe panic attacks that leave HIM completely helpless.  It's like, "thank a lot!  I have to deal with this shite, and NOW I have to f@cking take care of YOU too!"

and he has the GALL to be mad at ME for snapping at him once in a while.

I wouldn't worry too much about snapping at her...I mean, JEEBUS, can't we "snap" once in a while?!? 

Mystina, Do not , I repeat, DO NOT beat yourself up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are certain things we simply cant control. If you read enough on here, you find the random sufferer who has very little or NO family to "snap at". Thank the good lord for the blessings he gives you, and DO NOT dwell on the negative. I know its easier said than done. Remeber, THIS is the place to vent, we can take it! You can P.M. me anytime and cuss me out all you want!!!!! Good luck, and remember, if you are mad at the beast,,,, your still winning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Tuck

Thanks guys, I do feel better now. I love you all. <3

I've gotta go babysit now. At least there's no danger of me snapping at either of my nephews, as they leave me the hell alone when I'm having a hit.  The 4 year old will come up and ask me if my eye is going to open up again anytime soon, though. Or try to get a fan or something else he feels will 'help' his Yumi feel better. The 1 and a half year old just wants to make sure 'MINE' is okay.

Mystina

I was doing dishes with Andrea tonight and shadowing pretty heavy.  You know, sometimes we just continue to push when we should stop and deal with things.

Anyway, I snapped at one of my little ones.  Andrea put me in my place double quick.  It ain't my little one's fault.  It ain't my fault either. 

I spent some quality time with my tank and gave Emma a quick hug and an appology later which smoothed it over.

Sometimes we lash out and don't even realize the words have left our mouths.  It's reflex and a result of frustration with the pain.  Some poor soul just has to give a focus for that frustration and BAM!  It's out before we can stop it.

Don't beat yourself up...  The fact that it bothers you says enough about who you really are.

(((HUGS)))

-Dennis-

Thank you guys, all of you for your support.

I have talked with them about how I usually want to be alone during them, but due to my aunt's illness, it's not easy for her to let things go like that. If something is REALLY bothering her, she'll say it. We have the same psychiatrist, I found him, loved him, she started to use him too... So I'm going to talk with him about it, because I can tell this is affecting her worse than the rest of my family.

They usually do leave me alone, but it's getting harder for her to do it because of her illness. They also do sometimes try to comfort me. (I tell them when they CAN touch me during it, usually.)

Oh god, my brain is FRIED right now. I'm trying not to fall over and drool all over the keyboard.