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Parenting a teenager (Read 11157 times)

nani CH.com Alumnus Offline Clusterbusters Posts: 8356 Los Lunas NM USA Gender:	Re: Parenting a teenager Reply #25 - May 27^th, 2008 at 12:12pm [/quote] Hormones Anonymous!! [/quote] LMAO
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Langa CH.com Alumnus Offline So many donuts, such little time... Posts: 4754 x0\|\|USA\|usa\|0\|0\|NJ,New_Jersey Gender:	Re: Parenting a teenager Reply #26 - May 27^th, 2008 at 12:30pm I will pray for you Mel - LOL. God knows it ain't easy. They become like different creatures - the hormones raging through their bodies i'm sure - but then it does get better. One day at a time. Hugs, Langa
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Melissa

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #27 - May 27^th, 2008 at 12:43pm

Man, I am just sitting here in tears! Lily has not gotten to that point yet of going off on "me", but she is starting to with her teachers. And Nani, I am so feeling you there! Lily and I are the exact same about when we're watching LOST or shopping too! But it's the rest of the time where I feel like I don't know what to do with her because it seems she doesn't understand me and I don't understand her. It's quite sad really. Sad

On one hand I want to scoop her in my arms and hug her to death like I do Eli, but then when I try, she let's me do it for a few seconds and then pulls away saying I'm weirding her out?

I remember doing that to my mom too, almost like you're trying to assert your independence and find your own individuality. Sucks, but it's like a rite of passage. Wish I could crawl into a hole and come out when she's graduated college, married and pregnant with my first grandkid. Smiley

Ah well...

Helen- don't tell me Brid is going through this awful stuff too? I thought she was doing so well? Made me jealous when you posted about her scores, it seemed like she is a model daughter and that you two got along fabulous! Huh

Langa, prayers are always accepted!!

Jimi, I just love how you insert the word "hopefully" Roll Eyes

. lol

Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires - disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way. ~Bernie S. Siegel

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DennisM1045

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #28 - May 27^th, 2008 at 12:48pm

Melissa wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 11:09am:

I feel like I'm flying blind through this. Cry

We all do Mel. It's an old story. You see anyone can become a parent. The hard part comes when you have to BE a parent.

Just trust your gut and know deep inside that whatever happens, she still loves you. The two of you will come out of this just fine in the end. However I know how dark and bumpy the road can get.

((((HUGS))))

-Dennis-

Where there is life, there is hope.
Where there is Oxygen, you must use proper caution.
So be safe, don't smoke while using O2. Kill the pain and not yourself.

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DennisM1045

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #29 - May 27^th, 2008 at 12:52pm

Melissa wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 12:43pm:

I remember doing that to my mom too, almost like you're trying to assert your independence and find your own individuality. Sucks, but it's like a rite of passage.

See, you already know its about control. Like I said, trust your gut. You are a good Mom Mel, don't ever forget that.

-Dennis-

Where there is life, there is hope.
Where there is Oxygen, you must use proper caution.
So be safe, don't smoke while using O2. Kill the pain and not yourself.

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Racer1_NC CH.com Moderator CH.com Alumnus Offline "Well, let's go see." Posts: 4417 Lewisville, NC Gender:	Re: Parenting a teenager Reply #30 - May 27^th, 2008 at 1:16pm Mel... Lots of good advice in this thread. I can only say, it will get better. Slowly.....but it will get better. Just remember, in a teen's eyes a parent is clueless. We couldn't possibly know how they feel, we've ALWAYS been adults. B
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fubar

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #31 - May 27^th, 2008 at 1:20pm

My daughter is turning 16 this month. We are on the tail end of a complete meltdown. She had a very hard time dealing with her alcoholic drug addict manipulative crazy woman mother. In fact, she got to the point where her head was so messed up that she ran away, wanted to live under a bridge, and basically thought I was the devil. Plus, she treated my wife like she was garbage. It was really bad. I had just about given up all hope of having a real relationship with her. Getting a hug was a pipe dream, let alone a conversation. In the end, I gave up and decided to let her move to her mom's house, even though her mom didn't even have rights to visitation. When I called my lawyer to tell her about my decision, she *reamed* me a new one. She told me I would never forgive myself and I would never see my daughter again if I gave up.

In my opinion, I thought all boarding schools were the same. Basically, parking places for kids to get them out of your hair. I couldn't have been more wrong. I changed my mind and decided to send her to a school I can not afford ($60,000 for one year). I thought, well it's going to break my heart, so the bank account doesn't matter anyway. We are broke, but what an AMAZING year. I am going to have my daughter home again in less than 3 weeks, and she is the sweetest, most loving and appreciative girl I could ever hope for. This year has been rough, but the results are something I didn't think you could buy. The school she is in has taught her a lot of things, number one being that I am not a monster, and number two being that her mother needs to take care of her own problems instead of being co-dependent on her daughter. All of the rest falls neatly into place as long as those two things are sorted out.

My point is this... it's always darkest before the dawn. Even when you think it's all cooked, things can/do get better. Hang in there and never ever let her make you think you don't love her. Be strong.

-Shawn

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Mosaicwench

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #32 - May 27^th, 2008 at 1:44pm

Flying blind . . . . oh I hear ya.

I often wonder why there was no "owner's manual" expelled with the placenta. I REALLY want that.

My best advice (take what you like and leave the rest cuz my kid ain't perfect and neither am I) is to carefully pick your battles. Is this issue (whatever it is) the hill you want to die on?

I learned to let a lot of things roll off my back because dear teenager was just trying to push my buttons.

And they do come back and get huggy occasionally. Enjoy those moments when they initiate it.

“Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.”
~Flaubert

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BarbaraD

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #33 - May 27^th, 2008 at 2:09pm

Quote:

I always tell people that when I was 18 and out on my own, my old man was completely and utterly f*cked up in the head.

By the time I had turned 21 and was married, it was amazing what he had learned in 3 short years.

Brew,
My dad quoted that to me from the time I can remember -- and he was so right -- the older I got the smarter he got. Amazing ain't it? And everytime my son gets in a "jam" I just seem to acquire an enormous amount of wisdom (of course the rest of the time I'm old and senile, but you can't be smart all the time

.

Mel, hang in there -- this too shall pass -- just look forward to the day that your kids have kids -- and get their "payback". Then you just sit back and grin... it's worth everything you're going thru now - trust me on this one... I'm sittin' and grinnin' Kiss

Hugs BD

What don't kill ya, Makes ya stronger!

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Melissa CH.com Moderator CH.com Alumnus Offline Don't give up! Posts: 7238 Central WI, USA Gender:	Re: Parenting a teenager Reply #34 - May 27^th, 2008 at 3:10pm LMAO, just got in the mail today 2 books I ordered. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Parenting a Teenager" and "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!" Loving your kid without losing your mind. I'm going to take what I need and leave the rest, iffin ya know what I mean!
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mummymac

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #35 - May 27^th, 2008 at 3:35pm

Being a parent has to be one of the hardest things we ever do. The joys little ones give us are to make up for the shit they will give us as teenagers, but as adults they give joy again.

No advice to give except do what you must and what you feel is right for you and your family, bugger anyone else.

My eldest (23 to-day) tells me she is glad I was tough enough not to give in to her, and let her hang with the drop outs and bad crowds, and to see her through to carry on with her music , skating etc etc etc. I nearly gave in so many times just to get peace and my sanity back. But her saying thank you years later made it worth it (Ithink) She also says she knows she was a bitch but could not help acting that way and really to this day does not know why she did.

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George

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #36 - May 27^th, 2008 at 3:53pm

Don't know if you've heard of this yet, Mel, but:

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Seems their brains haven't finished developing yet. The prefrontal cortex isn't completely online until they reach the age of 25 or so. Heard about this from an educator we know well.

I made the mistake of talking about this in front of Ellen a couple years ago, and now she uses it as an excuse--"well, you know my prefrontal cortex isn't fully functional...", etc.

As fiendishly Jesuitical as that kid can be, I suspect that she may be the exception to the rule. Roll Eyes

Best,

George

"Whoever loveth me, loveth my hound." (Thomas More, author of "Utopia", and Chancellor of England. 1477-1535)

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Melissa

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #37 - May 27^th, 2008 at 4:02pm

George wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 3:53pm:

Don't know if you've heard of this yet, Mel, but:

Multimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!! You need to

Seems their brains haven't finished developing yet. The prefrontal cortex isn't completely online until they reach the age of 25 or so. Heard about this from an educator we know well.

In "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind",
Michael J. Bradley the author wrote about that in Chapter 1. I'm just in the middle of it right now! What a coinkidink!

It's not surprising you know. I remember feeling like a complete know-it-all and a vegetable at the same time back then myself. Undecided

BTW George, thanks for the link! I printed it off for Jesse since he isn't one to read books, but a few pages won't be too bad for him.

« Last Edit: May 27^th, 2008 at 4:05pm by Melissa »

Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires - disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way. ~Bernie S. Siegel

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Jackie

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #38 - May 27^th, 2008 at 4:03pm

Ah Mel.....I don't envy you this difficult job.

Just one piece of advice....DO NOT let her disrespect you. My boys were difficult at times but never disrespectful (to my face...LOL).

You're a good Mom who loves here children very much. That along with patience and good communication will see you through.

Teach here well, Mel.....it will come back to you.

Hang in there, Sweetie.

Much Love,
Jackie

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Brew Ex Member	Re: Parenting a teenager Reply #39 - May 27^th, 2008 at 4:06pm Jackie wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 4:03pm: My boys were difficult at times but never disrespectful (to my face...LOL). It's almost a given that they'll trash talk you behind your back. It's called blowin' off steam.
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Jackie

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #40 - May 27^th, 2008 at 4:24pm

Quote:

Jackie wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 4:03pm:

My boys were difficult at times but never disrespectful (to my face...LOL).

It's almost a given that they'll trash talk you behind your back. It's called blowin' off steam.

All true, Brew. But...they never swore and yelled or spoke disrespectfully to me like I hear some kids do. That's what I was trying to relate....

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Racer1_NC

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #41 - May 27^th, 2008 at 4:48pm

Jackie wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 4:24pm:

Quote:

Jackie wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 4:03pm:

My boys were difficult at times but never disrespectful (to my face...LOL).

It's almost a given that they'll trash talk you behind your back. It's called blowin' off steam.

All true, Brew. But...they never swore and yelled or spoke disrespectfully to me like I hear some kids do. That's what I was trying to relate....

I'm not your son and I wouldn't talk trash to ya....... I'm smart enough to know what would follow..... Smiley

“We see what we believe, not the other way around." — Varga

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #42 - May 27^th, 2008 at 5:47pm

I'm very glad to hear you started counseling. You go too so that you can learn some coping stategies. I could not ask for a sweeter, more compliant child with Lisa. Her only problems were health issues and we continue to cope. My son Ryan was another issue. He is almost 25. I learned the same things in a professional day workshop about the brain that George was telling you. It explains alot. I also had a psychologist tell me that some kids need to go through this terribly bitter stage to really be able to start seperating from their parents. Ryan is beginning to come back to me but I have also learned through counseling to bite my tongue and watch him fall. Pat mentioned pick your battles. I could have done things so much better with Ryan if I had taken that advice. Enjoy the funtimes. Hang in there! There is no magic answer and I can assure you what worked this time doesn't guarantee it will with Eva.

Charlotte

PS If you want any books pm me your address again. I have a WHOLE library of teen raising books that you're more than welcome to.

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Melissa

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #43 - May 27^th, 2008 at 8:02pm

I must say, this first book I am reading is FANTASTIC! It was one of the books recommended on the list Lily's psych gave me. It explains so much and helps me see everything from a different perspective. I feel like I can't put the book down, but alas Ava is up and is staring at the puter screen while I try and type with drool running down my arm. Roll Eyes

Charlotte- you are too sweet! I have all I can do to read these 2 with the limited time I have, but I'll keep your offer in mind! Wink

Have I said lately how ya'll are the best family anyone could ever have?

btw, i don;t know how some can type all the time with just one finger...my arm and hand are so cramped! Tongue

Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires - disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way. ~Bernie S. Siegel

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Brew Ex Member	Re: Parenting a teenager Reply #44 - May 27^th, 2008 at 8:12pm Melissa wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 8:02pm: ...I try and type with drool running down my arm. Happens to me all the time. Except there's nobody else sitting in my lap.
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Linda_Howell

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #45 - May 27^th, 2008 at 9:07pm

O.K. Mel?

I believe Dennis and I have everyone beat in experience with more than one or two kids. Him with 10, me with 7

Listen to him. He knows where-of he speaks. The only thing I have to add to this is this:

Some day.....you are going to be Lilys best friend. Count on it. Work towards it. Pick your battles, buck up... like they say in the military and be preparred for the "I hate yous" she doesn't mean a word of it. She'll be testing your resolve.

Linda

Hurt people.....hurt people. Think about it.

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Melissa

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Re: Parenting a teenager
Reply #46 - May 28^th, 2008 at 9:15am

Thanks everyone. Linda, I'm putting the "pick your battles" into effect immediately. Told Lily to change her bedding last week and when I went to do laudry today, I noticed her bed had no sheets on it at all. Roll Eyes

She never sleeps on them anyway, been sleeping on a sleeping bag for what it seems like forever now. Sleeping bag with one of her throws to cover up with and what it seems like a 100 of those smooshy pillows. I was thinking about nagging her about it when she got home but now I realize she's got so much on her plate that this is really minor.

I guess the simpler I make it for her, with emphasis on the important things, the easier it's going to be for her to get through these few years of her life.

Now if I can only get Jesse to do the same. I think that's harder than anything! Grin

Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires - disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way. ~Bernie S. Siegel

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