Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend a friend of mine saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked his interest. The occasion was his 15th Wedding Anniversary and he was looking for a little something extra for his wife Julie. What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse -sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, he bought the device and took it home... he loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! He was disappointed. He learned, however, that if he pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, he;d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, he have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so he was home alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There he sat in his recliner, his cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while he was reading the directions and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit he thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if he was going to give this thing to his wife to protect herself against a mugger, he did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Was he wrong?

So, there he sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in the other.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;  a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;    and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while he was looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two ITSY, BITSY AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to himself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

He was sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. he decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

He touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

He said that he was pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked him up in the recliner, then body slammed them both on the carpet, over and over and over again. He vaguely recall waking up on his side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position, and tingling in his legs! The cat was making meowing sounds that he had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my friends body flopping all over the living room.

Note: My friend offer this advise if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (he can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), he collected his wits (what little he had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

His bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and his bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
he had no control over the drooling. Apparently he had crapped in his shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and his sense of smell was gone.
He saw a faint smoke cloud above his head, which he believe came from his hair. Last I spoke with him, he is still looking for his testicles and he's offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: His wife can't stop laughing about his experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens him with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

LadyLuv

This guy in the pic.(Bill) bought a shock collar for his dog and at my urging tried it on himself.  He actually put it around his neck and pressed the button, it (and I quote) "knocked his dick in the dirt."  he never put it on the dog.

    Potter

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You're right LL...laughed til I cried...that's priceless!   ;D ;D ;D