Hello, and welcome to the psychiatric help line.  Please listen to the following menu:

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask your significant other to press 2 for you.
If you are Dissociative Identitdy. please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are Schitzophrenic, please press the number the voices in your head tell you to.
If you are Paranoid Delusional, we already know who you are and what you want, please stay on the line so we can trace your call.

Remember, your mental health is of primary importance to us at the Psychiatric help line.

Thank you, and have a nice day.