A little poem I wrote about Cluster Headaches, hope you like it!!!

The Demon

A demon dwells within me, and I awake in the dead of night
No desire to startle, or cause any fright, he softly whispers my name
He resides in my skull, and makes his bed on my brain
He takes pleasure in my suffering, and his pride in my pain
I once found out his name, but I refuse to say it aloud
For I fear he’ll wake up, angry, belligerent, boasting and proud
I’m in pain wishing for life, all the while praying for death
This demon will possess my very last breath so it seems
What I need he will take and deny me my peace
Fleece me of sleep and make mockery of dreams
I’m awake and in limbo between his deviant schemes
In agony I writhe on the floor and I’m shaking
To end it all would be easy, but not a mistake worth making
Demon flee now, for my life you are taking!

Thats awesome. I love it. It could use a lil bit of editing, but just for structure. Not like I'm an Editor though.  :-X

Well done.

Thanks, I appreciate it!

Anyone with the courage to throw a poem out there deserves an "attaboy" as well as a few comments. So here goes, and it's all meant to encourage you.

As I'm sure you know all poetry is "poetry" because of the use of poetic devices. The most commonly used are various forms of rhyme, and most frequently end rhyme. Sometimes that will follow a rhyme scheme, like ABBA, CDDC where the A lines end with the same syllabic meter and rhyme, as do the B, C and D, all different from the A. You start with a pattern but really, there is no scheme. Your poem would be more interesting if there were one. Also, keep in mind all of the good rhymes have long ago been used to the point of cliche, so try more slant rhyme and assonance or consonance as a substitute.

Regular everyday speech pretty much follows a metrical pattern called iambic (unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable as in "I'm go-ing to-the store" where go, to and store are all stressed. Easier to write, and you use it quite a bit although I think unintentionally. You do however throw in some beginning verse metre that is called anapestic-three syllables, two unstressed and the third stressed-as in "no de-sire" and "he re-sides". I looked for this to continue but you were not consistent. Still, it shows you have a good ear. Try starting every line that way. It's harder than it seems.

Last piece of advice: it is always a challenge and a better discipline to use metrical feet as a device: so for example the same number of syllables per line combined with a metrical scheme, and you end up with a classical style such as iambic pentameter, or trochaic sestameter-10 syllables per line in the former, 12 syllables in the latter-each following a regular cadence of stressed and unstressed syllabic rhythm.

Poetry is good poetry because it will contain an entire array of such poetic devices, not just imagery. Internal rhyme, metrical variations, and compression all are good ways to get better at writing. Most people won't know why one poem is better than another, but they know when they hear it this is either a great piece, or just a bunch of self-expression.

You have made a good start. Work on it and kick me a copy of your edited piece. God bless!