I'm having trouble letting go of the pain of being hurt by some people.  This has been going on for 2 years now, and I am tired of letting it get to me.  I want to be able to forgive them, and move forward with my life.  What is it you do or think of that helps you to forgive?  I'm tired of harboring the grudge, but find it so hard to get over their judging and misconceptions.

Anyone?

My own belief is that forgiveness isn't something that's granted willy nilly to people who aren't repentant. You can move on, you can let them not affect you, but forgiving people who aren't sorry - I don't think it works in the human psyche. In other words, forgiveness can only be given to someone who asks for it.

Brew wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2009 at 9:37am:

My own belief is that forgiveness isn't something that's granted willy nilly to people who aren't repentant. You can move on, you can let them not affect you, but forgiving people who aren't sorry - I don't think it works in the human psyche. In other words, forgiveness can only be given to someone who asks for it.

Then it's really hard to just let go and not let it affect me.  I don't know any other way to go about it. :-/ 

I'm reminded of the quote "forgive them for they know not what they do".  It makes sense, but to do this, I'd need to basically act like I was not hurt or wronged in any way.  I can't do that, I'm like an elephant when it comes to such things.  Trouble is, I also wear my heart on my sleeve, so no matter how much I try to hide my disappointment, those who have wronged me can sense that I have an issue with them.

Maybe I should have asked "How to fake being OK even though you've been hurt in someones presence?"  lol

I agree with Brew.
However, I think it's necessary to define what 'forgive' means.  In my mind, I think it means to 'be ok' with something, to be 'neutral' about it, to not be negatively sad or positively happy about something.

With that being said, maybe forgiveness just isnt in the cards.  You can get over it, and move on, but you may never have 'neutral' feelings about it. 

Mel-What if I were to add another phrase to this..........
Try this:
"She hurt me by(insert explanation), then I encountered her at a family event, and couldn't speak,couldn't even face her because I remembered vivdly how much she had hurt me."
I guess what I am trying to say is, it is much easier to move on and forgive someone you never/rarely come in contact with-but we are generally not emotionally vulnerable to those people, either, are we?
I can forgive-and forget...I'm not good with second chances, therefore, in most cases, the person who wronged me ceases to exist in my world :D.
Anywhoo. Mellie. you need some way of making yourself immune to whoever has caused you pain. Surround yourself with people whom you love, and do so in return........God will sort out the mean people in due time!
That's how I'm planning it, anyway!
Cathi

Quote:

I'm reminded of the quote "forgive them for they know not what they do".

But the author of that famous quote was asking somebody/something else to forgive them. I believe the quote starts with "Father..."

I'm not sure how it goes when it's us that are doing the forgiving.

Having been hugely hurt as the "injured party" in a 18 year marriage break-up 5 long years ago, I don't know whether forgiveness in its purest sense is possible.

Whilst I have moved on and have a very kind, loving girlfriend, two amazing, supportive kids etc, I still have the hollow, slow-burning feeling of hurt in the back of my mind. I cannot banish it even though I want to. I don't want to be a lifelong 'victim', nor do I want to harbour anger for either the mother of my kids or her (spits on the ground) partner. What I want, is to be able to just live my otherwise very pleasant life with my girlfriend and not have the shadows of the past blocking out the light.

I can easily say to myself "I forgive them" and perhaps I do, but I cannot forget what was without doubt the most agonising, traumatic time in my life.  And how could I?

Melissa, I think in today's society we are often ill advised. People freely advise us with vague ideas like "letting go" which actually don't mean what they are supposed to.  I think its more a case of getting used to the hurt. It will always be there, but you learn to live with it as over time your mind is fed with new experiences against which the hurt has to compete.

I believe it was Guiseppi (or his dad) who said "holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Melissa..

There is a lot of bad stuff that happens when we don't forgive. Bitterness, anger, and hurt...just to name a few. But the odd thing is that it don't happen to the person(s) that hurt us, it happens to us.

We're the one who has to walk around with all that stuff inside us, eating us up.
(like your case, the person probably isn't bother about it at all)

The bottom line is that the forgiveness is mostly for you...your health...your peace of mind...and mostly, your relationship with God.

But just because you realize you need to forgive doesn't mean you've suddenly inherited a magic forgiveness prayer, or even the desire to do it.

#1) We must Pray for the person who hurt us. OUCH. This is probably the hardest part of the whole concept. But when we pray for that person, God can reach into the situation and do His work.

#2 LEAVE the situation and person alone. Don't try to avenge yourself. Ugh. Yeah right...it would be so much easier if we could just do some awful thing(s) to make them look bad or feel bad or something!

PLEASE, don't do anything. Let God do what He's going to do and you focus on moving forward, doing whatever God tells you to do.

Hope this helps Sweetie... I will keep you uplifted in Prayers..

Peace & Blessings
LadyLuv

You know how to reach me if you need me..

Quote:

But the author of that famous quote was asking somebody/something else to forgive them. I believe the quote starts with "Father..." I'm not sure how it goes when it's us that are doing the forgiving.

You're right Brew. 


Quote:

Mellie. you need some way of making yourself immune to whoever has caused you pain.

Cathi- I'm trying to, but finding it difficult to find my "ignore" button. :-/


Quote:

I think its more a case of getting used to the hurt. It will always be there, but you learn to live with it as over time your mind is fed with new experiences against which the hurt has to compete.

Buzz, this makes some sense, especially because every time I'm around them, the wounds seem to reopen.  I'll have to give this some more thought...


Quote:

I believe it was Guiseppi (or his dad) who said "holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Pat, this is so true!  I'll have to memorize that quote.

LadyLuv wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2009 at 11:37am:

Melissa.. There is a lot of bad stuff that happens when we don't forgive. Bitterness, anger, and hurt...just to name a few. But the odd thing is that it don't happen to the person(s) that hurt us, it happens to us. We're the one who has to walk around with all that stuff inside us, eating us up. (like your case, the person probably isn't bother about it at all) The bottom line is that the forgiveness is mostly for you...your health...your peace of mind...and mostly, your relationship with God. But just because you realize you need to forgive doesn't mean you've suddenly inherited a magic forgiveness prayer, or even the desire to do it. #1) We must Pray for the person who hurt us. OUCH. This is probably the hardest part of the whole concept. But when we pray for that person, God can reach into the situation and do His work. #2 LEAVE the situation and person alone. Don't try to avenge yourself. Ugh. Yeah right...it would be so much easier if we could just do some awful thing(s) to make them look bad or feel bad or something! PLEASE, don't do anything. Let God do what He's going to do and you focus on moving forward, doing whatever God tells you to do. Hope this helps Sweetie... I will keep you uplifted in Prayers.. Peace & Blessings LadyLuv You know how to reach me if you need me..

Oh Ruthie, this helps me more than you know, thank you!! :-*

That's what family is far Sweetie...

And we old people have usually been there, and done that...

Luv Ya...

No one ever said forgiveness was easy and if they did, they were wrong.  I myself am finding it very difficult to forgive and forget some who have wronged me.  It will probably be a lifetime process.  One thing I've learned though is just because you forgive, it doesn't mean you have to have that person a part of your life, which can make things easier in the long run - for me anyways.

Hugs,
Langa

Mosaicwench wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2009 at 11:16am:

I believe it was Guiseppi (or his dad) who said "holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I love this!! 
I have just a couple of comments:

Make sure the other person knows what they did.  It is hard to make amends if you don't know you have injured.

I have been on both sides of the fence.  There are people who have hurt me deeply, I don't ever care to see them again.  However, on ocassion, there is 1 of them I run into.  I tend to turn around and leave.  I do not let it eat at me, but when I see them, it grabs at my heart and I have to get away.

I have to admit I am guilty too.  Never intentionally, if you knew my dad you would know that to be true.  But, I have gone to the involved party and have made it better.  Maybe not always perfect, but better. 

To me it is a lot like jealously - it just takes too much time and energy from other things in life that make you feel good.  I learned this when I was in high school.  And by the way I was dating my husband of 42 and counting years.  That has worked pretty well.

L

Mel, you have a loving family and beautiful kids, any time these unwanted feelings sneak into your conscience just think of them and your feelings for those that hurt you will pale into significance. Forgiveness or acceptance in some form will follow..


Lefty...!

I'm so sorry you are going through this Mel.  I think Ruthie gave you some good advice.  Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.

I always try to look at the intent of the person who hurt or wronged me.  Was it intentional?  Does that person "get their jollies" by hurting others?  It took me some time to figure this out about a family member.  I cut them out of my life and have zero regrets.  I will never forgive their past behavior (not forgivable), but since they are no longer a part of my or my families life, I am at peace.  It was the right thing to do.  Some people are just evil and I do not use that word lightly.

Some hurtful things can happen between friends.  Many times it is due to ignorance (they are clueless) and the hurt is not intentional.  They may not even be aware that you are hurt by something they did or said.  If at all possible, talk to them without confrontation and see what happens.  How they react may determine if the friendship is worth fighting for.  Sometimes saying "I was really hurt when you ______" is all it takes to get a genuine apology and forgiveness is automatic.

Hugs,
Beth

It's hurting you Mel.

That's no good.

Root

If the person is worthy of forgiveness then I come to terms that will let me move on.

If the individual is not worthy then "once my good opinion is lost, it is lost forever"

A matter of self preservation.

We all have enough pain to deal with already.

Gandi, I'm not :)

All the best Mel 

Brew wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2009 at 9:37am:

My own belief is that forgiveness isn't something that's granted willy nilly to people who aren't repentant. You can move on, you can let them not affect you, but forgiving people who aren't sorry - I don't think it works in the human psyche. In other words, forgiveness can only be given to someone who asks for it.

Ain't that the truth!   There are people walking this earth that I will NEVER forgive for the things that they have done.  Now, that doesn't mean that I spend everyday letting it bother me.  In most cases, I don't even really think about it. 

I try to keep in mind the old saying, "what goes around, comes around".

Whenever I think about forgiveness, it becomes a complicated ball of wax. Ruthi is right - it only makes you feel bad to hold on to something which other people most likely forgot, or is not important to them. 

There are some times when it's not easy to forgive, or you're downright just feeling that hurt fresh and new over something in the past.  I think of the phrase "Pearls before swine". 
Definition: from Wiki
Pearls before swine refers to a quotation from the discourse on holiness, a section of Jesus Christ's Sermon on the Mount, implying that things should not be put in front of people who don't appreciate their value.

Clearly, someone who hurt you in the past, doesn't fully, or didn't appreciate you.  If they do, you should address them with your beef.  They may never know they hurt you, and you can maybe talk about it.  If they don't and never will, then why put your "Pearls" (your love, your soul, your heart), before "Swine" (the offender)?  If you don't address them, they'll never know, and they certainly don't deserve a place (whether it's a place of love, hurt, or anger) in your heart. 

I know that's not the literal application of the phrase, but it has been really useful in moving on when there were negative actions or situations in which I felt I couldn't forgive.   I found my energy and focus freed up to better things, so that I could gift my "Pearls" to the deserving of my love, in other words, those who loved me back!

Ok, well that's my take on it, hope you're able to figure this out.

I just want to thank everyone for your input.  Each of your suggestions is helping me to begin a new path of thinking and dealing with a situation that I come across rarely.

I also see now that I need to focus my energy on those who have not done me wrong (or who have reconciled with me) instead of giving so much to those who have.  You know, it's sorta ironically funny as I just gave this advice to my Grandma just before I moved her into Assisted Living.

Strange how I always seem to completely ignore my own logic and counseling. :-/

[smiley=hug.gif]

Forgiveness does not come easy for most of us. Our natural instinct is to recoil in self-protection when we've been injured. We don't naturally overflow with mercy, grace and forgiveness when we've been wronged.

I my self used to spend hours plotting revenge; than I realize that anything I did would also hurt me. I would not only have on my mine & heart what the person did; it would be compromised with what I did to them. Which in turn makes me no better than them. ???

Forgiveness a conscious choice, a physical act involving the will, or may be it's a feeling, an emotional state of being. The Bible offers insight and answers to these and many more common questions about forgiveness. The Bible says  a lot about forgiveness. I believe forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive.

The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us: Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

We forgive by faith, out of obedience. SINCE FORGIVENESS GOES AGAINST OUR NATURE, WE MUST FORGIVE BY FAITH, RATHER WE FEEL LIKE IT OR NOT!! We must trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.. I didn't say forget, but we must forgive.

You don't have to every speak to that person. God say to love everyone, including thy enemies, but we get to choose who we like.

If you notice I tell people that I love them, but I always add (if I do) I like you to...

Mel, I really hate to see you punish yourself like this. And trust me, it is you being punished.

Peace & Blessings
LadyLuv

You have been given some good advice!  I hope it helps.

My input on this subject is to talk openly and frankly to the offender(s) and find out what they have to say about it.

Maybe they had no intention, nor desire to hurt you, and only did it through ignorance (not that they are ignorant people, just that they did not realize the significance of their actions/words). 

Find out if they are truly sorry for what they said/did.  If they are, then I am sure you will find it in your heart to honestly forgive them.

BUT, if they knew what they were doing/saying, and don't care if you were hurt by it or not, it is time to cut the strings, and let them out of your life.  You do not need people like that, causing you heartache and pain.

When you are forced into a situation where you must be in their presence, be polite (yet cold) and don't start anything.  Make it obvious (even if only to yourself) that YOU are the better person.

WE all know what a fine person you are, Mel, so don't let these people ruin your day, or life!

As Brew said, if they are worthy of forgiveness, then do so.  If not ... See YA!!!  Bye BYE!! 

Chuck

Maybe that's what it is - you can forgive them, but you can't force them to accept your forgiveness.

Mel,

I have to agree with Ruthie on this.  Forgiveness is not something earned, but rather something given.  You cannot earn another's forgiveness, nor can they earn yours. It has to be a conscious decision that you come to by deciding the offense is not worth the cost of carrying around the burden of the hurt.  Note, I did not say it's easy, but it is necessary.  If you will remember from the Lord's Prayer the phrase, "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."  Jesus put it very succinctly that our forgiveness is in the same vein as the forgiveness we meet out.  Look what was done to Him, yet he holds forgiveness out to any who will accept it.

A method that has worked for me in the past is to either see the individual in person, or if you don't think you could get through to them by doing so, write a letter explaining the hurt you received from them, whether intentional or not, and then saying "I have decided to forgive you for the hurt for my own sake."  If they answer in kind and want to reconcile with you you have gained a friend, and if not you walk away, but without holding on the the bitterness that will eat you from the core if you keep it.

Ain't easy, but necessary.

Jerry

Mellisa
When you have been hurt the hardest thing to do is to forgive and I don’t think forgiveness helps.
The deed of forgiving is to accept the wrong doing and being strong enough to forget.

If you can’t forget you can’t forgive.
You don’t have to forgive to move on.

What has helped me in the past is the thought of
“it’s nothing I’ve done wrong” whether that was true or not, It is what I believed

Breaking it down into small bites helps see the reality

If there was a cure for clusters we’d grab it both hands and get on with our pain free life without looking back.
Soon it would be a distant memory which warranted not a second thought

After all that waffle I suppose what I’m trying to say is,

To share your turmoil shows great strength and with all the support it still will be up to you to make that leap to move on

We know you can do it

(Not so good at this kind of thing just wanted you to know lots of support from me)
Colin.

You know what is so confusing in all this?  Whenever I open my heart to them and try to explain my hurt feelings on some things, I am then made in turn to feel like I am ungiving, selfish, naive & unknowing about whatever it is we were talking about.  I end up just dropping the subject and going to talk to another person.

Sometimes I think it's just best to keep the convo. light and about generic crap.  I'm tired of being judged, I'm tired of feeling like my character is always in question (because they believed a bunch of made up lies from someone else instead of just coming to me and ASKING me if I said such inane things), and I'm tired of having the damn thoughts go through my head on an almost daily basis because we're in contact with them a lot due to family things (including some work, etc.).  I mean, who else does this self torture anyway?? 

I'm not used to being in question due to a bunch of lies.  I've always been proud of my honesty because through it I do not harbor ill will towards anyone.  So I guess that's why I don't understand any of this.  It's like it's become truth to them, and so they'd rather believe someone else who they had only hung with a short time instead of me who they've known for YEARS.

It's absolutely amazing to me how someone can throw away the closeness, the good times and the friendship so quickly without question.  I'm baffled! :-/

Anyway, right now I'm doing some soul searching to figure out the best way to deal with it all, especially before the holidays.  I suppose I can just ignore the ignorance, be polite, but keep my heart to myself.

I really wish they (2 couples) weren't Eli & Lily's Godparents, that makes it SO much harder. :(

All the advice has been fantastic so far!!  I am so very grateful for you all taking the time to counsel me in my time of need.  Thank you so very, very much!!!

I love you all. :'(

Another way of looking at things Mel,...
"how have I intentionally hurt someone?  Would I be forgiven if I asked for forgiveness?"

"how have I unintentionally hurt someone? Would I be defensive if THEY asked why I did/said something?

Your answer is not just with one or two situations, but in how you respond to forgiveness - both giving and getting.   There are people in whose own mind are self-righteous and blameless. They do not deserve your time or effort.

There are those who truly want you in their life, and those are the ones whose friendship should be nurtured, including forgiveness (and that is usually on both sides)

A lie can travel around the world before truth can get its shoes tied.  Mark Twain

Callico wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2009 at 10:25pm:

A lie can travel around the world before truth can get its shoes tied.  Mark Twain

Isn't that the sad truth?

I sead I liKed the 3 StOoges with Peeple and tHey diDdn't say goOd thinGs.  Melly, I down't liKe peeple whoo Mom says hAve tite unDerwaer tHey hav'nt cHanged and maKe bAAd juDging of chAractors.., so I didd'n't tAlk about Bugs bunny


Skippy

omg Kevin, rotflmao!!

Whatever develops make sure you don't wind up having to forgive yourself. I've been there a few times and it's no fun. You're not the jerks, they are.

Charlie